Pregnancy after stillbirth: 33 week scan and a bit after

My 33 week scan went OK.  The baby is growing and blood flow etc is fine.  I agreed to being prescribed antidepressants after the birth as I think it's a good precaution.  They'll take a couple of weeks to kick in, so won't save me from the baby blues that I have been told kick in 3 or 4 days after birth, but they should stop me from giving up after that.  I have requested paroxetine as that seems safest for the baby, if I can breastfeed.  I'm planning to try to breastfeed, but if I can't I won't beat myself up about it (hopefully).  I'll get a carton of formula in just in case.  At least I know I can express colustrum so the baby will be alright for the first few days.

The day after the scan (at 34 weeks exactly) I decided I needed more checks, to keep my anxiety down.  So I booked CTG traces for that day, and more for the following week, with the end result that I have medical appointments (community midwife, growth scan, CTGs) booked for pretty much every day between that 34 week point and when I'm booked in for induction.

My mistake was in not making appointments for the weekend directly after the 34+0 point, because I spent that weekend super anxious.  Saturdays and Sundays have bad associations for me.  So now I'm going in on the remaining two weekend between now and induction, and conveniently enough CTGs on the weekend are done on the ward where I'll be induced.

I ended up having an emergency check at Delivery Suite (it's still vile visiting there) because the baby was moving far too much - increased movements are as concerning as decreased movements.  But at least when they are moving you know they are still alive.  Anyway, the check was a ctg trace and in total I was in there for 2.5 hours, which is pretty quick.

I'm now 35 + 1 and I went to the hospital today and it was pretty horrible walking into a new hospital setting, to a bay to be checked over.  I've never stayed in a hospital bay, but my partner did have a couple week stay a few years ago as he was hit by a car, and it wasn't a pleasant time.   The midwife who did the trace did tell me that for people in our situation they try to put us in a private room, which would be preferable.  However the private rooms may be being used by families in more dire need than us.  We'll see.

Physically, the baby is dropping and jeez I can feel it.  Actually I think the drop started a few weeks ago, I remember a day when I felt really heavy,  Since then I've been getting more groin pain, lower back aches and shoulder blade aches, and it's more difficult to get my legs and hips comfortable at night.  I have woken up with pins and needles in the arm I've been lying on, and it can take a couple of hours for them to stop.  My knee is playing up again.  There's a muscle on the side where it gets swollen and is painful to bend.  I think my foot arches have fallen even more as my feet ache in a new way when I walk.  When I leave the house in the morning, to go 10 minutes to the bus stop, my calves are awfully tight and I can't walk at any speed, it's pathetic.  However I'm not getting cramps at night, thankfully.  This hot weather is a shit because my feet heat up ridiculously, but at least they aren't that swollen. I guess that's all the water I drink and the sandals I'm wearing.

I've finished work now, and that's really helped with the physical stuff and my anxiety.

I can see the baby wriggling away under my belly, it's reassuring.  Even the thumps in the groin and the shifts onto my bladder are reassuring.  I got to show a friend the movements in my belly the other day, and she got to feel the baby too.  I'm glad I could show her.

Let's write up some comics

This week I bought and read this lot:

Black Canary 1
Much more interesting than I thought it would be from the preview.  It doesn't really feel like my Dinah though, but I guess I'm looking for a Dinah in her 30s ready to settle down with Ollie (who to be fair would never be a rock star).  So this version not feeling like her isn't a criticism.  It is a good comic.  The only thing that pulled me out of it was that I don't buy her wearing her Canary outfit  on stage.  If they'd given her shorts or a skirt it would work much better.

Harley/Peej 1
This was a lot more fun than I expected.  I've been underwhelmed by Harley's main series but this was far better.  The two of them work well together. Unfortunately the cover is not Amanda Conner's finest hour.  The inks are rather heavy and it just doesn't flow very well.

Sensation Comics featuring Wonder Woman 11
Another bad cover,  Yeeuch.  Badly composed, badly pencilled, badly inked and badly coloured.  Inside is Jamal Igle's pencils which are much better but the inks are a bit too heavy handed.  The colours are OK.  Overall, this lacks the finesse of the Gates/Igle Supergirl work, but that's not Igle's fault.  In the issue Di goes to Africa to try to get two sides of a warring nation to reconcile.  It sounds a bit white saviour-ish doesn't it.  I don't think it comes across that way but I'm willing to listen to other opinions.

Princeless book 4 issue 1
The story is good but I hate the art.  The composition of the panels is good, the actions (and interaction) of the characters are good, but the style of faces, the inks and the colours are horrible.  It won't stop me buying this series, but if you do pick it up please be aware that this art is not indicative of the rest of the series' art!  And on the plus side, we do have killer squirrels:

Battleworld: Thors 1
I think I bought this for horse Thor.  It's OK.  I suspect it's more for Marvel aficionados than me.  It seems like a bit of an industry vanity project, and I mean that in the best way possible.

Battleworld: Runaways 1
The only actual Runaway in this is Molly Hayes.  The rest are mutants, Cloak and Dagger and some other randoms who I expect regular Marvel readers will know.  They are all attending a school to train them as Doom lackeys, or some such.  I tell you what, I do like the premise for Battleworld.  It works far better than Convergence, at least for these two titles.  This was a fun enough comic.  It also queered up Jubilee and Pixie, which was good to see:

Are they gay in the regular 616 universe?

Ms Marvel: Crushed (trade)
This is volume 3 of the current Ms Marvel run.  I really liked it, it's a good young adult comic about teenage crushes and the pitfalls that come with it, with added superpowers.  The only thing I didn't like was the thinly veiled lesson about consent.  It just seemed a bit too obvious to me, but maybe that's because I've been seeing this sort of stuff discussed for years and given where I am at the moment, I really could do with not having these conversations.  Quite frankly, I don't care.  That sounds awful doesn't it.  But I don't.  I'm concentrating on my pregnancy and everything else that requires energy, or passion can piss off.  So, I'm wondering who the teenage audience this is aimed at would take this lesson. If they don't find it too much, then I guess it's a good thing.

Batman: The Ring, The Arrow and The Bat
I've been meaning to get this for about 2 years.  Despite the name, it's a Green Arrow trade, not a Batman book.  The first story is Hal and Ollie meeting for the first time.  Hal is working for the government and doesn't realise he's being used, and Ollie is out for a good vigilante time, until he realises the wrongs being done, and then he gets all angry about it.  It's quite a quick change.  Hal and Ollie argue but end up friends.  Art is by Greg Land, before his porn tracing days.  If you like these two, and you like these trades, then you'll like this story.

The second story is Green Arrow and Batman meeting and working together for the first time.  There is lots of snark and one liners.  The villains in the story are stereotypical/generic Asian bad guys, which makes me wince, and plot development is a bit obvious, but apart from that, it's good fun.

I've also been watching Arrow season 1, and while I'm kinda enjoying it, it's a bit bloody miserable isn't it?  Oliver Queen enjoys life, but Ollie in Arrow doesn't.  Granted, he has just come back from the island and is traumatised, but by all accounts he doesn't get any happier over the seasons.  Le sigh.  I like the flashbacks to the island the best.  He looks and acts more like 'my' Ollie there.

Commissions by Princeless artists

I promised I'd put something up about this weeks ago, so here goes:

Ted Brandt and Rosy Higgins, the artists of the most recent Princeless volume, The Pirate Princess, (and who I interviewed here), are doing commissions.

They came up with this rather excellent way of showing their rates:

I've not seen a graphic quite like that before, and I think it's ace.  Consider asking them for a commission why don't you?

An alphabet of favourite words

I've been thinking about my favourite words and decided to come up with an alphabet of them.  These are words that I enjoy the sound of and enjoy forming with my mouth, not words that mean something.  My list will probably change from week to week so this is today's ideas.  Here we go:

Ambulatory
Bees
Clunge
Debris
Effie, Emberella
Feegle
Gezellig
Horatio
Imbibe, Intrepid
Jovial
Keel
Lung
Maelstrom
Nebulous
Oratory
Pickle
Quiver
Replete
Sunflower, Susurration
Trousers
Umberella
Vichyssoise
Waggle
Xenon
Yucca
Zlotys

Ten characters from literature

My old podcast mate, @feemcbee for you twitterers, put up a tumblr post listing ten characters from literature she's in love with.  So I decided to do the same.  I came up with six and then got stumped:

Superman
Black Canary
Green Arrow
Susan Sto Helit
Young Granny Weatherwax
Wonder Woman

I don't know who else I'd put on there.  Granny and Green Arrow are there because I like cocky bastards. Canary, Susan and Wondy I'm in awe of.  And Supes is, well he's Supes.  Who isn't a little in love in with him?  My first thought on seeing this list, was yeesh, I'm so gay.  Except I'm obviously not and then a little while later I thought ooh this could be seen as bi erasure by the self and then I started snoring because conversations like that bore me senseless nowadays.

Fee and I decided that comics totally count as literature.

Who would be on your list?

A few pages from Carpe Juggulum

Captain Marvel jumper.

Look at my new thing!

Pay attention to the lovely box it comes in.

This is it on, a size large I believe.

I got it from We Love Fine.  It was £40 (UK) for the jumper and postage, and then I got hit with a  nearly £20 customs fee, that included £8 payment to parcel force for paying the customs fee on behalf of me.  Bah.  Still, £60 isn't *too* bad.  It's a nicely made jumper too.

The Deed of Paksenarrion by Elizabeth Moon

I just finished reading books 2 and 3 of the Deed of Paksenarrion.  I found the first book (Sheepfarmer's Daughter) several years ago and really enjoyed it, as it's a female led military fantasy story.  The magic is few and far between and most of the book is about Paksennarion's military career, which consists of her joining a company of soldiers and getting trained up to private level.

Paks isn't a supremely talented soldier, she's good because she trains hard.  She's not the most popular in the company.  She's ordinary.  I liked this.  She's not the only woman there either.  If I remember correctly there is one scene where she's nearly raped, but the important thing is that it's not gratiutious and it's told from Paks' point of view. It's about her.  She's also in a relationship with another woman, without any fuss being made of it.  I like that too.

In the second book (Divided Allegiance), Pak's leaves the company because she's uncomfortable with the work they are hired to do, there's too much cruelty for her taste.  She agonises over what to do, because her life is with the company and she respects their leader, the Duke.  She gets permission to leave, and sets out on her own, encounters some elves, nearly gets killed, and ends up training to be a Girdsman.  Things go wrong, she gets tortured (but it's not sexual) she loses her courage, and leaves the safety of the Girdsman's Grange in search of work.  She remains her ordinary self and slowly recovers.

I like the ordinariness of her.  I like that these books are so focused on the military life, they feel grounded.  It's a good change from fluffy fantasy stories where the hero is a man and is destined to become the greatest in the land.  That's boring to me now.

The third book (Oath of Gold) falls down a bit for me, because by this time Paks has become a Paladin, an instrument of the Gods with special powers, and she is no longer ordinary, she even speaks differently.  So the appeal (for me) is lost a bit.  Nonetheless I finished it and enjoyed it, mostly.

I've just found out there are more books in Paks' world but gods almighty that is no an easy website to understand.  The wikipedia page is much more useful.  Interestingly, the wiki page includes the following information provided by Moon on the development and basic ideas for the series:

"Source material, as well as inspiration, for the Paksenarrion books might be of interest to some.  The various legal systems are taken from the following:

F. S. Lear's Treason in Roman and Germanic Law (specifically for the dwarf and gnome races), K. F. Drew's The Lombard Laws and The Burgundian Code, and other sources on medieval law, including a difficult-to-find translation of the Visigothic Code by A. Wilhelmsen.

The development of the Code of Gird derives from the development of "barbarian" legal codes adapting Roman Law, shifts in English law during and after the Norman Conquest, and the development of "human rights-based" changes in law in and following the Enlightenment.

Different city-states and nation-states were given different "balances" of the source material. Military history sources for both military science and military psychology included Herodotus, Xenophon, Thucydides, Caesar, and other classical sources, Conan Doyle's novel The White Company, Tuchman's A Distant Mirror, Sherman's Memoirs, and many others.

Village life and crafts, in outline and detail, are taken from multiple sources on medieval/early Renaissance crafts and life, including the Surtees Society's collection of historical sources for that period.

Further influences on the social and political aspects came from cultural anthropology sources. Historical sources suggesting the development of a paladin character ranged from Xenophon and Caesar (on the military side) and Plato, Aristotle, and Plutarch (for both military and general character consideration) to the "Chanson de Roland" and the Grail legends, with side journeys into other cultures (Scandinavian, Amerindian, Islamic).

The history of Christianity and especially the incorporation of local heroes into "saint" roles (Joan of Arc in France, others in many other Catholic countries) provided historical background for development of Paksenarrion, Gird, and other hero-saints in that fictional universe.

The inspiration for "doing a paladin right" was the definition of paladin outlined in the D&D game; the specific character of Paksenarrion derived from historical figures (including Joan of Arc) and a mix of individuals known to the author.

The specific character of Gird-farmer had roots in historical and fictional accounts of peasant/slave/worker uprisings; Gird-legend shared characteristics of several legendary (mythical and fictional) folk and religious heroes.

Questions explored in the books include the nature of the military mind, the character of the good soldier and the good commander, the essential characteristics of a hero and a paladin, the potential conflicts between what it takes to be a good soldier and what it takes to be a great hero, relationship between a paladin and his/her co-religionists (clergy, laity) and between a paladin and those not of the same belief, the source of a paladin's "commission" (e.g., who decides that someone is a paladin? how is that marked?), the essential characteristics of a hero-saint, the internal characteristics and outward influences that shape a hero-saint's actions and effects, the ways that subsequent generations redefine the meaning of earlier events and how that interpretation influences their actions."

I like that Moon has been so thorough in her research.  I think I might try and pick up some of the other books in Paks world.

Is it worth reading any of Moon's sci-fi stories?

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 33 weeks 3 days

I've been a bit quiet.  It's been a difficult few weeks and I've not had anything to say.  Then I realised a few days ago I'm now in the gearing up for labour period and the getting ready to look after a baby period.  Writing the latter part of that sentence makes me feel sick.

I've had conversations with my consultant/registrars about labour, and also with my midwife.  At my last midwife appointment she talked to me about skin to skin contact and how long the baby would be on me, and if I couldn't hold the baby then my partner will have to do skin to skin.  We get an hour alone with the baby then they come do the blood sugar checks and other checks that I can't remember.  Then she talked me through how to express colustrum and milk, using a knitted boob (a white boob, which made me wonder if they had black or indian boobs for mothers who are not white).  She told me to try practicing now, to get the hang of it.

She gave me a labour information pack, which includes a booklet on labour and birth.  I flicked through it and there's loads of pictures of sticky and cleaned up newborns.  I really wish someone would make packs for pregnancies after loss, preferably with no pictures, because our needs are *so* different to happy parents' needs.

I found this appointment pretty traumatic.  It brought back memories.  I didn't like it.  But I know that it has to be done.  We have to act like this baby is coming home with us.  All signs so far say that the baby is healthy.  I'm having weekly CTG traces and they are fine.  So I have to prepare.

I did try expressing, and it was really easy, which made me happy. I felt excited, for possibly the first time this pregnancy.  I feel like my body is working right.  At the moment I will only try for a couple of times a week, and for only a few minutes each time, because doing this can bring on labour.  So in the week and a half before my induction date I will do it properly, and consider saving and freezing the colustrum, in case I have trouble breastfeeding.  Although I'm not sure I can bring myself to freeze the colustrum, because if the baby dies having to chuck out the frozen colustrum will be worse than having to get rid of all the nappies, like we did last year.

I packed my hospital bag 6 weeks ago.  So far I have packed just stuff for me.  I was going to check and then list what I'd put in, but since having a quick look and adding some toiletries I decided that going through everything would be horrible.  So from memory, this is what I have packed, or intend to pack, for me:
A pyjama top made by Bravissimo with boob support, like these ones. A second one would probably be good.
Maternity pads
Breast pads
Pjyama bottoms.
3 pairs of pants (knickers for you Americans)
My travel maternity pillow.
Slippers
Socks x 3 pairs
Shampoo
Conditioner
Sponge
Soap
Toothbrush
Toothpaste

I need to add tea bags (hospital tea is crap and I'm fussy), snack bars, something to read (will load books on my kindle, induction might take while), a nursing bra (I have a fitting booked for 2 days before my induction date). I might add straws as it will be easier to drink from them than from a glass when I'm in active labour.  My phone and charger needs to be packed too.

If anyone has any thoughts on what else I should bring, please leave a comment.

I also need to include stuff for the baby, which is a horrible thought.  My midwife told me that to bring them home we need only a few things - vest, baby grow, cardigan, hat and a cellular blanket.

I refuse to go through C's clothes so I will have to grit my teeth and go into mothercare and buy some clothes of roughly the right size.  Edit - Marks and Spencer do a newborn starter pack that will do, and I can buy it online.
I might be able to use one of C's blankets though. Not sure about that yet. Edit - I'm using one of his.
We can order more stuff online once the baby is out.  I also need to pack nappies, a friend has saved newborn nappies for us so we don't have to go buy any.  Lansinoh needs to go in.  Shampoo, conditioner, soap, sponge for me.  Perhaps cotton wool balls to clean up baby poo.

On the physical side of things, I can no longer sit on my exercise ball for very long because my back muscles aren't up to it.  At night my hips can be incredibly painful, more than likely caused by ligaments relaxing which allow sacro-illac joints to move, which they normally don't do as they attach your pelvis to your spine.  They need to relax in pregnancy so you can get the baby out, but they cause havoc with your comfort levels.  Exercise (walking, cycling etc) makes it worse, but pelvis stabilising exercises like pilates improve it (even though I'm bloody terrible at pilates at the moment).  So to help me I have constructed more pillow support for my back, shoulder and neck, because lying on my hips is horrible, but lying flat on my back is not good for the baby or me (the baby and your uterus would press on a major artery and your lungs and then you can't breathe).

I've bought some bra extenders to try and make some underwear fit better, as I really don't want to buy something that is only going to fit for another 4 weeks.

On the anti-depressants, I talked to a friend who has taken a lot of drugs for mental health over the years, and after discussing things with her I think I have decided to ask for paroxteine to take immediately after labour (you know who you are, thank you).  The registrar said that they would keep me on them for 6 weeks, checking in on my mood to see if the dose needed to be adjusted and then wean me off them at 6 weeks, if needed.  I will have the GP, midwife and health visitor looking out for me so people will know if they cause me to go loopy.  And my partner will be at home for the first 4 weeks too.  I figure it's a good precautionary measure and I feel better having everything set up ready to go.

I get to meet my health visitor in a couple of weeks.  They usually visit at 36 weeks but I'm a special (batshit) case, so she's coming round at 34 weeks.

Comic reviews

I bought this lot this week:

Quite a change from the piles of Convergence stuff I have been getting.

Starfire 1 was very good. I think I'll continue getting this.  I am surprised to see Kori so clueless about earth stuff, but no matter, it's a good issue, skillfully done.

Batman/Superman 21 made me wince.   I have not got any interest in a grim Supes with moody inner dialogue.  He's not even expressing undiluted angry, he's just draining and the anger is self absorbed. He's bitter and resentful.  Supes can be angry, of course he can, but there's a world of difference between this anger and the anger of the pre 52 Superman.  It's not a fun thing to read.  I'll be cancelling this.

Harley Quinn 17 was OK.  It passes the time but I'm not too fussed about it, I think I'll cancel it.

28 week and 30 week care plan

28 weeks
This was a really hard week where I felt really, really low, and was concerned about my mental state.  Or about as concerned as I could be, given that I didn't care.  I mean, I can recognise when I'm not well and I can tell people that I'm not well.

So the scan was fine and the baby was fine.  The baby measures about the 20th percentile, which is in stark contrast to my bump, which measures the 90th or 100th centile (ish) but I am assured that  all is fine.  the sonographer wasn't going to do a doppler scan, but I said the consultant said I should have one.  So he did one, and the blood flow is right in the middle of the healthy range.

I didn't meet with my consultant, instead it was a senior registrar, but she was the right person for me to see at that time, as she was warm and friendly.  She suggested I take anti depressants either now or after I've given birth, as a preventative measure against post natal depression.  I was at risk of PND even before we lost C, so now I figure i'm doubly at risk.  She recommended fluoxetine (brand name prozac) or Citalopram as safe to take in pregnancy.  She also offered me a referral to the mental health team and psychiatrist but said all they'd do is prescribe me anti depressants and give me a number to call if I felt at crisis point.  My midwife can also refer me to the mental health team.

Once home, I found some info about these drugs:

http://www.drugs.com/pregnancy/fluoxetine.html

http://www.nhs.uk/medicine-guides/pa...ine=fluoxetine

http://www.nhs.uk/medicine-guides/pa...20hydrobromide

http://www.headmeds.org.uk/medicatio...and_everything

We changed my scans so I would have them at 30 weeks, 33, weeks and 35 weeks.  As I'm having them at week + 6 days this means I have one 1 week before induction.  I also booked weekly CTGs for those weeks when I'm not having scans.

She said that if the baby is breech or transverse at 35 or 36 weeks they'd give me steroids (2 injections 24 hours apart) and do a c-section just after 37 weeks.  When I go in they'll do a scan and if the baby has turned they'd give me the option for an induction.  If the pessaries for induction don't work (and we'll know if anything is happening within 48 hours)  they'll give me a c-section.  Both options I'm happy with.

I didn't go into work that afternoon.  I was too much of a mess.

Addendum - I ended up back at the hospital for an emergency CTG the following day, because I felt so awful I couldn't tell if the baby was moving properly or not.  It took me a couple of weeks to get back to feeling normal, but obviously my normal is not everyone else's normal, as I'm terrified of the baby dying overnight, so whenever I wake up I got to the toilet, drink a pint of water and lie awake till I feel enough movements to satisfy me.

30 weeks
The baby is fine and growing at the right rate.  This won't be a big baby, I don't think I can grow them big.

I saw the same registrar as before and we discussed post natal anti depressants again.  She got out the big book of drugs and looked up info for Citalopram and Paraoxteine (brand name seroxat).  More stuff seems to be known about paroxetine and it seems to be passed through to the breast milk more readily so I think I'm more keen on taking that.  She said that these drugs are considered so safe the neonatal doctors don't even want to know that the mother is taking them, as they see no side effects in the baby.  This is reassuring and means I can discount the info in the links above.

My notes from the meeting also say that we discussed induction, but I can't remember what we talked about.

Convergence week 8 (the final one!)

Man, I cannot believe I've managed to write about every single issue in this event.  I know some reviews have simply been 'I can't be arsed to write about this', but they are still words, about each and every comic.  Woo, go me, ect, ect.

Now to do the final week's batch.

Convergence: World's Finest 2
Not bad. The cartooning journalist is a high point, again.  Sir Justin is alright, but I prefer Sir Ystin from Paul Cornell's Demon Knights.  At least these guys are all heroes, acting heroically.  There's a couple of panels with Telos' giant hands too, which makes for a fun read,  Probably not a keeper though.
The We are Robin preview was dull.

Convergence: Justice Society of America 2
Also not bad.  The JSA are young again with all their powers, and easily defeat the enemy.  Then they lose their powers and get old again, giving us this panel:

This is not good art, because although the guys look marginally different (if you really look) you cannot tell who is who.

It's a shame, because the comic also has this crowd scene, which is a marvellous piece of comic art:

It was nice to see the old guys up and at it again, but I'm not sure whether this issue is worth keeping/  I def preferred Hawkman in the Convergence: Hawkman issues.

The preview is for Superman/Wonder Woman and it is violent and dull.  Supes looks rather like pre 52 Conner Kent and tells Diana he doesn't love her anymore.  I'm still not interested in this Truth storyline, despite Anj's praises for the first Greg Pak penned issue.  Sorry Anj, I'm just a cynic! Wondy has nice armour though.

Convergence: Action Comics 2
This was good, with a great Amanda Conner cover:

Seriously, how great is that?  Doesn't Peej look angry?  I love it.  Especially the stars around their feet. It's just really, really nicely designed.

The issue itself is also very strong.  Earth 2 (?) Peej (Kara) and Superman are fighting the Red Son universe Wonder Woman.  Lex Luthor is still bitter.  The characterisation for the Red Son characters are accurate and the two worlds are slotted together really nicely.  I really, really enjoyed this.  Keeper, obvs.

The back up preview is for Sinestro.  I flicked through it but didn't read it properly.

Convergence: Infinity Inc 2
The characters and setting for this comic feel so dated, yet I found myself enjoying it.  I'm not sure why, looking at the cover I can't quite recall what happened in it.  On reopening it I enjoy the sense of familiarity at the characters used, but it doesn't fill me with excitement.  Probably not a keeper then.

The backup is for Batgirl, which I'm already getting.  I didn't like the video game conceit of this preview, tho the art and plotting is good enough.

Convergence: Plastic Man and the Freedom Fighters 2
I'm still not understanding why Plas is with the Freedom Fighters.  But it reminds me that I did see this great Plastic Lady cosplay online today.
The Freedom Fighters look ridiculous, but that's not really what this comic is about.  It's about Plas stepping up and being a hero.  That makes this worth keeping, I think.

The backup preview is Harley Quinn.  Every month I enjoy the Harley comic, but I feel no affinity to it and no desire to keep it.  I pass it  on to a friend.  I cannot quite understand why it's so popular.

Convergence: Detective Comics 2
Earth 2 Huntress and Robin are up against Red Son Superman.  Supes doesn't want to fight but Huntress is all fists first, talk later.  Red Son Batman comes to their aid.  Like Action Comics, the characterisation of the Red Son Characters are spot on.  The art (and cover) is partly by Bill Sinkiewicz and it's wonderful. Def a keeper.

The preview is for the Flash, drawn by Brett Booth and it is ugly to look at.

Convergence: Booster Gold 2
I've lost track of which Booster this is.  Nevertheless, it's a fun issue until Booster turns into Waverider, which to my mind makes him far more serious with more gravitas than Booster should ever be given.  And the character design is stupid.  I'm going to keep the issue though.  The back up is for Earth 2: Society, with this terrible piece of Peej art:

I tweeted the picture and Escher Girls picked it up and will post it.  It's awful, in all sorts of ways.

Convergence: Crime Syndicate 2
I liked issue 1 far more than this.  This is mostly fights, coloured in a washed out palette that I can't decide if I like or not.  The Crime Syndicate are fighting Justice League Alpha, a future league from the 853rd century.  The character designs of Alpha WW and Alpha Aquaman are nice.  Alpha WW is the only left standing at the end of the issue.  I don't really care for this, it's uninspired, there's not passion.

The preview is for Cyborg and it's very new 52 ish.  Dull.

Convergence: Shazam 2
This comic is great.  It's homely.  It's like a bit warm hug, with thrills.  If you like Captain Marvel you should read it.

The preview is for Constantine, and although I don't know a lot about Constantine, I don't think the creators got his characters right.  I shan't be picking this up.

Convergence: Blue Beetle 2
I'm still baffled as to why Beetle is teaming up with Cap'n Shinypants and the Question.  They are fighting the Legion and there's misunderstandings galore and it looks like it's all going to pot, until Beetle and a Legionnaire hatch a plan and fool Telos into thinking one side has won.  Unlike the Crime Syndicate issue, this comic, full of costumed folk fighting, had soul in it.  Really good and definitely a keeper.

The preview was for Black Canary with art by Annie Wu.  It looks very nice, but it doesn't feel like 'my' Canary.  I've ordered issue 1 anyway.  I think this series won't last that long and if I don't get it I'll regret it.

Convergence 8
I did have a a lot of thoughts on this, mostly around the what the hell is happening variety, but it's been about 2 weeks since I read it and now I don't think I care.  I do like the choice of characters on the cover - Hal, pre Crisis Kara, Barry Allen, pre 52 Supes, Lois and son.  I think what has happened is that the first crisis may not have panned out the way we knew, Barry and Kara may still be alive, Clark, Lois and son are certainly alive somewhere, and Hal maybe didn't die.  All the earths referenced in Convergence and Multiversity are still around, or most of them anyway, and have continued to exist from when their relative timelines were last referenced in Convergence or Multiversity.  DC have said Convergence opens the doors for any and all stories to be told, continuity be hanged.  I don't think I'm really fussed about what happened. This is a dull story told with very little affection or love, but it did give us some cracking 2 issue minis.

Convergence week 7 (and a Sensation Comics)

On to the last two weeks of Convergence comics.  Reviews will be split into two posts.  Spoilers ahead.

Convergence 7
So we finally have some familiar and likeable heroes, boshing the bad guys.  There's a giant rocky triangle shaped thing with a face, disembodied arms and two curved extensions coming up by the side of his head.  I have no idea who he is.  Deimos is still around, causing trouble.  Apparently Demios is an existing character, not invented for this series.  He looks like Dr Strange,  I assume Telos was invented for this series.  I don't care about either,

I wonder what this main Convergence title would read like if read in one chunk.  From week to week, it's felt dull and by the numbers.  It's editorially driven and it doesn't feel like the creators care about the story, which is a shame because comics always read better when the creative team care about what they are doing.

Anyway, Deimos is destroyed, the chronal energy he was containing is released, triangular rock dude breaks apart and tells new 52 Supergirl and Superman that all of reality is breaking apart,  Nothing in this story has made me feel like this is a momentous occasion.  It just feels uninteresting.  I reviewed Zero Hour for New readers...start here recently, and even with all it's faults, that story felt like it existed on a grand scale and deserved my awe.  Convergence doesn't.  Flashpoint didn't either.

Convergence: The Adventures of Superman 2
Kal and Kara are in the Phantom Zone, fighting the Kryptonian criminals imprisoned there,  Kara knows she has to get Kal out so that he can fulfill his destiny in the first crisis, but he doesn't know about this and boots her out.    Kara thinks for a few seconds and contrives a way to pull Kal out, leaving the criminals behind.

Meanwhile Kamandi and his mates are trying to work out how to stop the ape army wanting to take over 'Greenwitch' - I guess this refers to an American Greenwich, not the London one. The Super cousins join in the fight and the apes actually think they can beat them. Ha.  The absolute certainty of the cousins and their skills is nice to read.  No second guessing, no tactics to hurt them, juts the knowledge and certainty that they will win, because why wouldn't they? Who could beat a pre crisis Kryptonian?  No one, that's who.  I loved this issue.  It's a keeper,

The preview is for Martian Manhunter.  I didn't like it and I don't think it does J'onn justice.  the story has a suspicious, dark tone and that's not what I'm keen on reading.

Convergence: Wonder Woman 2
Also a keeper.  Lovely, lovely art by Aaron Lopresti, Matt Banning, Tanya and Richard Horie and Tim Napolitano.  The character designs for the vampires are lovely too.  Diana is perfectly in character, heroic and a warrior,  She takes the time to talk to Athena to figure out her plan.  She's not fazed by the vampires.  She doesn't revel in her victory over them.  I want to be that sort of person.

The preview is for Secret Six but it's a different Secret Six to the pre 52 version.  I'm not interested in it.

Convergence: Hawkman 2
The Hawkguys are fighting giant bats and giant rats. Then they (Katar and Shay) get strapped to a giant rocket and Shayera frees them.  They work with the other Thanagarians to defeat the giant rodents and get a peak into the future - the first crisis.  Then they fly off into the light declaring their love for each other,
Possibly a keeper.

Convergence: Batman and the Outsiders 2
I don't care about this or the Batman Beyond preview in it.  To be got rid of.

Convergence: Swamp Thing 2
I realllly don't like how Swamp Thing speaks.  Pauses in sentences irritates me.  Swampy joins up with vampire Batman, and it turns out that this is a Batman I am interested in.  So clearly he dies at the end.  Interesting introduction to Swamp Thing, but not a keeper.

The preview is for Catwoman, I'm not interested.

Convergence: the New Teen Titans 2
These aren't my Titans and I've never cared for this era.  I can see why people like these issues, but they aren't for me.  The preview is for Robin Son of Batman.  It's an OK preview, but I won't be buying it.

Convergence: Flash 2
I am so bored of Barry Allen and this is a love letter to him.  The preview is for Suicide Squad, the new 52 more badass Squad.  I do not care.

Convergence: Superboy and the Legion of Super-heroes 2
This has Atomic Knights riding giant dalmations.  I know a winning idea when I see one.  Having said that, I think I preferred issue 1 to this.  I def preferred the art in issue 1.  Superboy does the heroic thing and the Knights don't fight the Legion.  I'll probably keep these issues, now I have discovered a fondness for the Legion.
The preview is for Teen Titans, which like most of the rest of DC's line, just doesn't interest me.

Convergence: Green Lantern Corps 2
This is not as much fun as issue 1, but still enjoyable.  Hal is being a bit stupid and using old fashioned ring constructs (hands etc) which is what I like to see.  John is John like and Guys is Guy like.  He steals Hercules' armour and then gets his ring recharged.  Good fun for Green Lantern fans.
The Gotham Academy preview shows what is probably a solid book, marketed at teens and reminds me of Gunnerkrigg Court webcomic.  As I've read Gunnerkrigg court I'm not interested in reading this.

Convergence: Justice League of America 2
Good fun for fans of this JLA team.  I guess it's nice to see Vibe, Vixen, Steel and Gypsy get credit for saving the day, even if it's Zee, J'onn and Arthur that really finished everything.
The Batman/Superman preview makes me want to cancel my standing order.

Sensation Comics featuring Wonder Woman 10
My head was full of Convergence when I read this so I don't think I appreciated it enough. I think this book is aimed at readers who want to see Diana in explicitly feminist stories, so I think it will turn a lot of people off.  For me though, it's great.  Especially with the backup story being mythological.  It's these books that make me want to cancel my in continuity titles and just get the standalones.  They are so much better,

Robot Cheetah

There are times when I'm very proud of humanity and what we can achieve.  This is one of those times.

The language of grief

Saudade' (Portuguese) - the love that remains after after someone is gone. It can describe an emptiness, like feeling the absence of someone who should be there at a particular moment. It brings sad and happy feelings all together, sadness for missing and happiness for having experienced the feeling.

'Han' (Korean) - It's been described as "a state of mind. Of soul, really. A sadness. A sadness so deep no tears will come. And yet still there's hope." Its a feeling of unresolved resentment against injustices suffered, a sense of helplessness because of the overwhelming odds against one, a feeling of acute pain, and an obstinate urge to take revenge and to right the wrong—all those combined.

'Weltschmerz' (German) - the depression you feel when the world doesn't reflect what you think it should. It encapsulates a sense of grief at how the world keeps falling short of expectations. The pain caused by the inappropriateness and cruelty of the world and circumstances.

Eminem Lose Yourself in ASL

Watch this video, even if you think you don't care for signed performances, or for Eminem.

Now go read this article about how sign languages have rhyme and assonance.

Update - it has since been pointed out to me by a Deaf friend (who is fluent in BSL and knows a bit of ASL) that this video is pretty hard to follow, partly due to the woman's bouncing around, making it difficult to lip read.  Since the hearing people I showed this to were impressed but the Deaf woman wasn't, I think that's worth pointing out.

Super Sexy Saturday: Bombshell Aquaman

Hot damn.

Comics review: Convergence week 6

I'm amazed I'm still managing to write these reviews.  I think I'm going to try and keep these short.

Convergence: Catwoman 2
This was pretty good, up until the point where Selina got shot and died.  Obviously Batman is still alive.  I guess if Bats had been the one who'd got shot and died it might have looked like the story was becoming about him.
The Gotham by Midnight preview is not really for me.

Convergence: Suicide Squad 2
Good. Strange Captain Boomerang twist, but good nonetheless.  I don't think Amanda Waller is really dead.  I think she'll show up to scorn the fancy statue.  Nice to see Babs in here.
The Aquaman preview was pretty good.  Nice new costume design, in line with the film design.  There will be some cultural laughs about Arthur yelling 'Your King is pissed'.  I'm not sure that's the sort  of vocabulary Arthur would use, let alone the varying meanings for pissed.  I'm not that impressed by Mera being a the bad guy, again.

Convergence: Shadow of the Bat 2
I really don't care about this or the Deathstroke preview.  I'm sick of reading about him fighting the Titans, in any incarnation.

Convergence: Green Arrow 2
The art on this is horrible.  The story is OK.  I like Livy.
The Green Lantern Corps: Lost Army preview is alright, but not good enough to make me want to buy it.

Convergence: Superboy 2
This is really good. The characterisation is spot on and the story is enjoyable.
I'm not interested in the Action Comics preview.

Convergence: Aquaman 2
This is just really, really great.  It's the sort of Aquaman (character wise) that I like to see.  Really good stuff.
The Doctor Fate preview was also good.  New art, very different from DC's New 52 house style.  The story felt more like an indie slice of life story than a superhero one.  I'd like to pick this series up.

Convergence: Supergirl Matrix 2
One day i'm going to have to find out the history of Ambush Bug because I just don't get him.  For a long time I thought he was meant to be Dan Didio putting himself in the comics, but now I think that's wrong.
This is a fun and silly issue, better than the first one, but is still not Mae Supergirl.  So if you want accuracy you won't like it.  If you want an entertaining ten minutes with an S shield that you've never met before, try it out.
The preview at the back of this is Bat-mite.  No I am still not interested in Bat-mite.

Convergence: Green Lantern Parallax 2
This comic is mostly about Kyle. Hal/Parallax features, but it's not really his story.
The preview is of new and improved SexyLobo.  Really sexy Lobo.  The first panel of him draws him looking like Mikail Starman.  Naked and bedding a woman.  I hope Lobo gets to bed some men.

Convergence: Justice League International 2
Terrible art, decent story, nice Booster moment at the end.
The preview is for Justice League 3001 and it entertained me, but not enough to buy the comic.

Convergence: Superman Man of Steel 2
It was OK, I guess.  The backup is for Bizarro and I still have no interest in him.

Convergence 6
I liked this issue because it had all the decent heroes siding against the bloodthirsty ones (like the Flahspoint one).

I'll keep all of these apart from Shadow of the Bat.

Pregnancy after stillbirth: weeks 28 to 30 plus 2

Ah, I have not felt capable of writing these last couple of weeks.  They haven't been good.  Emotionally, I've not been well and it's taking a lot of effort and a long run up to write this post.  There's not too much detail, but there's a lot to say, a lot to record.

At 28 weeks plus one I had visits from my family, a couple of them one weekend, and then the other one the next weekend.  They are visiting because I can't bear to leave Norfolk and be that far from my  hospital.  Remember how about 6 weeks ago I talked about how I just needed to grow up and stop being such an arse?  Well it turns out that I don't deal with seeing family, not right now, and I had a meltdown, as we affectionately call it, using that word to try and downplay and poke fun at a very bad time.  I flew into a rage and sent some rather nasty emails which I am not proud of.  I apologised, but that doesn't make it OK.  No matter what people have done, and no matter what I think of their behaviour, there is no need to send nasty, spiteful, rage filled missives.

I wasn't very well.  Things were getting on top of me, I was hurting, I was lashing out and I wasn't thinking straight.  I had a midwife appointment on the Monday and cried through most of the appointment.  Then I had a counselling session later, which was OK, I guess.  Then a pilates 1:1, which was a distraction.

I came home from work one evening, Tuesday I think, and spent the evening in bed, not caring about anything.  There were a lot of self harm thoughts (I haven't had those, in such a high frequency and strength, since probably October last year).  I didn't do anything to hurt myself (because I understand that when you're pregnant that sort of thing is frowned upon) but I wasn't well.  I managed to facilitate/run an all day workshop at work the next day, but still wasn't right.  I had my 28 week scan the day after and talked to the doctor (a registrar, not my consultant) and she suggested anti-depressants, which I'll go into in another care plan post.  I declined the anti-depressants, not because I have a thing against 'popping pills' as so many people rather naively put it, but because when I'm this way I don't make quick decisions and I wanted to be able to research the drugs first.  I didn't go into work that afternoon, but I also didn't take to bed.  I functioned.

The next day I did go into work, but left a bit early to go to the hospital for my second emergency CTG trace.  I had no idea whether I needed to go or not, but because I wasn't rational enough to make a decision I thought I'd be best going in.  When I got there the midwife agreed I'd done the right thing.  However, I did have to sit in the waiting room for about 5 minutes waiting to be called through.  The same waiting room where we were kept for about an hour when we went in to check C's movements and were told he'd died.  So that was pretty horrendous.  Or would have been had I allowed myself to feel stuff.

Since then I've been improving.  I'm not right, not like I was before this 28 week mark, but I look fine and I'm doing normal life stuff and to everyone else I'll be fine now. But I feel like I've packed my emotions and fears into a little box and I've pushed it down deep inside me.  I feel brittle.  That Tuesday scares me, if I allow myself to think about it, because it was a reminder of what depression is like, and I haven't felt that way in a long time.  I'm used to managing stress and anxiety, but not used to feeling like that.  So I push it down and pack it away and I'll deal with it at  later point when I have more time and space.

I do have to remember that in the third tr with C my mood crashed, completely.  I just started crying for no reason and feeling low.  I never really brought it up with my midwife because I'm not good at talking about this stuff, but it was a significant difference to my second tri mood where I was comparatively bouncing along, and the change happened overnight.  So I suspect that this week is a combination of grief, pressure, fear and hormones.

A friend at work (when talking about something completely different to the above) said something like 'you don't want to be defined by your loss at work', and my instinctive reaction was yes I do.  But now, I'm not sure if that's the 'right' response, or what I want.  I need to reconcile my status as a mother with other people's understanding of being a parent, and somehow fit all that into the rest of my life.  Which is kind of what these blog posts are about, a bit.  The purpose of them has changed, I think, since I started writing at what, 5 weeks (?) gone.

So, I guess I should also talk about the physical stuff.  At around 27 weeks I got a growth spurt, and jesus my hips and pelvis started hurting.  So I made an appointment to see the physio (at 29 weeks plus 3) and she gave me a support belt, which is bloody amazing.  Of course the departments at the hospital don't talk to each other, or read historical notes in their department, so she asked how old my child at home was and I curtly pointed to my Sands sticker on my maternity notes (the notes I bring with me that she wouldn't have seen beforehand).  She went ahh and it was fine, but for fucks sake. She saw me for about 50 minutes and gave me exercises to do to help with other pain, and on the whole was pretty good.

Speaking of pelvic girdle pain (PGP), the ways I manage it are:

• When standing or walking for long periods, wear the support belt.  I did get given one with C but it hurt more so I never used it.  This time round my bump is flatter and lower (my torso muscles have little to no tone due to the short pregnancy gap) and the belt works a treat.
• When lying down, put a pillow between your knees, a pillow against your back and a pillow underneath your bump.  You can buy maternity pillows which do all these things or you can use separate ones.  I use a mixture of 4 maternity and non maternity pillows.
• Pelvic tilts can be done sat on an exercise ball, leaning back against an exercise ball, on your side at night or standing up.  They really, really help loosen up painful lower back muscles, which while not strictly speaking are part of pgp, nonetheless don't help.
• Doing pregnancy pilates every week.
• Seeing an osteopath (experienced in treating pregnant women) every 3 weeks to realign my pelvis.
• Sitting on an exercise ball at home, not on the sofa.
• Not pushing myself.  If something hurts, stop doing it.

FYI, my pgp hurts when I walk for more than 10-15 minutes, when I roll over in bed at night, when I sit on the sofa for too long and when I stand up from the sofa I get shooting pains down my leg.  That last bit probably isn't pgp, its just general pregnancy tightness.  It all needs treating though.

Right, what other physical stuff?  I had the whooping cough vaccination at 29+3.  It made my arm hurt.  2 days later I started getting a cold and now nearly one week later the cold is still lingering. It's not that severe, but bloody hell it's knocked me out.  I feel like I've been asleep for most of the week.  Considering that and my near breakdown the week before I've done fuck all at home and the boyfriend has had to take up all my chores, as well as the redecorating job he's doing.  It's not very fair on him so now I'm better I'm determined to start pulling my weight again.

Pregnancy after stillbirth: notes on CTGs and UTIs

Recently I've been thinking about CTGs and I also mentioned UTIs.   I wanted to put a few words about them on these here posts.

A UTI is a Urinary Tract Infection, like cystitis.  They are uncomfortable/painful at the best of times, causing pain (burning) when you urinate, making you want to pee more often than normal (and crucially, not having anything to piss out when you do go), and can make you feel grotty and under the weather.  In older people (pensioners) they can make you seriously unwell.  When you're pregnant an untreated UTI can cause premature labour and the infection can travel up your vagina, to the womb and infect the baby.  This can cause illness in the baby and can be fatal (to the child).

Hence why my midwife was concerned about the leukocytes and ketones as they can indicate an infection.  However, I did as she told me and the following Monday when my urine got tested again it was all clear.  So that's fine.

CTGs, or Cardiotocography traces, are used to monitor the baby's heartrate and uterine contractions.  It's done through putting two monitors on your bump, one at the top of your uterus (your fundus) and one roughly where the baby's heart is.  The machine my hospital uses gives the uterine contraction rate in a green number, and the baby's heartrate in a red number.  If you ring up your hospital concerned about movements and they ask you to come in they'll put a ctg trace on you.  At my hospital you go into delivery suite to have this emergency check done.  I've been in twice now, it's not pleasant.

Anyway, the point of this post is for me to explain about the baby's heartrate and what the ctg trace is picking up.  I asked a couple of fellow Sands ladies about this and they, along with my midwives, gave me the following information.

My midwives have all said that a normal baby's heartrate is between 110 and 160 beats per minute. When the baby moves, it is expected that the heartrate will go up to to 180 beats per minute (just as yours and mine heartrate would go up if we exerted ourselves by going up stairs, for example).  On a ctg trace, which records the heartrate on paper, a la the top line on this image:

You will expect to see at least two spikes occurring at the same time as movement.  The mother is given a beeper thing to press when she feels movement and this is also recorded on the trace.  These increases are called accelerations.

I believe that the lower line on the above image measures baseline uterine activity, i.e. contractions, and is normal.

The ctg tracking the heartrate will pick up when decelerations, i.e. when the heartrate dips below 110.  If more than two of these happen in a 20/30 minute period for more than 15 seconds at a time your midwife/consultant should be concerned and further monitoring is needed.

You have to meet set criteria for the midwife and doctor to be happy with the traces.  A normal CTG needs 4 features - baseline rate to be between 110 and 160bpm, variability has to be 5bpm or more, at least 2 accelerations in a 20 minute period and no decelerations.

For a non-reassuring trace, you need to meet just one of  the following criteria: baseline heartrate below 109bpm or above 160 bpm, variability less than 5bpm per 40 minutes or more than 5bpm for 90 minutes, unprovoked decelerations, decelerations related to uterine tightenings when not in labour.

A baby's heartrate is expected to vary from second to second, like humans out of the womb but there will be a baseline, which is not the same as a deceleration.  I have been told that decelerations are very obvious on ctgs, and that experienced midwives can hear a deceleration without having to have it checked by technology.  This applies when you have your heartbeat checks at regular antenatal midwife appointments and even the parents attending the appointment can hear it.  Having now heard this baby's heartrate weekly since 16 weeks, I would agree that it is obvious what a normal heartrate of around 140 to 150 beats per minute sounds like.

Note: fellow Sands women who are also midwives have told me that a normal heartrate is between 110-160 beats per minute and they expect accelerations with movements to go up to 180 beats per minute.  They have said a deceleration is classified as being at least 15 beats below the baseline for at least 15 seconds.  Which to me says it comes back to being what it normal for your baby.  One off decelerations can be fine, but the baby should always be monitored with a ctg and/or scan if one is suspected.

Another Sands mother says that when she had hours of CTG in the last 5 weeks of her pregnancy, her son only had decelerations in the day before being delivered, and that they were really really obvious on the CTG feed.  She says that movements led to a raise in heartrate, which then came back down, sometimes with a little valley below the average heart rate.  The deceleration was "massively and very distinctly different, with a marked downwards tench with no movement before it".  I'll add that although the mother might not feel every movement, on a ctg trace and a regular heartbeat check, you can hear movement as the baby pushes or shifts against the uterus.

I also asked Sands women about what they can pick up at scans regarding heartrate.  Most scans don't take 20 minutes.  They might take just ten or less.  I have been told that during a scan the sonologist looks for normal movement patterns and they can see if the heartrate is slow - they check it by eye.  if you have a doppler scan they can record the blood flow through the umbilical cord - the print out looks a bit like the ctg trace.

That's a rather long post, but I feel better for getting it out there.  I'm a huge believer in the more information available to parents the better.