Today is hate the world day

So, I've been doing a British Sign Language Level 3 NVQ Certificate course (for British folk - it's about A-level standard).  I started it in September, finished (and passed) the first part (called language development) in December, and was very ready to start the second part in February, which would give me the qualification.

But the training provider I was training with had to delay the second part until September.  So I started looking for other providers.  Yesterday I headed down to London (no short trip - it's about 3.5 to 4 hours door to door, each way) for an assessment to do the second part of the course.  Which I right royally fucked up.  See, I know I'm at the required standard.  I'm at the right level.  My signing isn't fluent, I make mistakes, but I am ready to get this qualification and I am absolutely determined to do it.  Unfortunately I'm not very good in test situations, and I panic, doubt myself and get really nervous.  So my signing goes to pieces, my handshapes get sloppy, I forget basic vocabulary, I forget what I'm trying to say, I forget to respond to people, I concentrate so hard on getting all the information that I go out of focus and my mind wanders and I don't pick up what they want to tell me.

So because of nerves, because I want to do this qualification so badly I have probably screwed it up.  I wasn't at my best, I can do better.  I know this.  But what's the point if I can't show it?  I do the same with driving tests - I've got my third one on Tuesday. I can drive OK, I can drive to the right standard, I just freak out just before the test, get nervous and drive badly.  I will probably do the same again on Tuesday, which will mean another £62 (the cost of each test) and the cost of lessons is wasted, and I'll have to spend it all over again.

Have an appropriate song:

Edit, made about 5 hours later:  Now I've had a walk and a think I figure the best thing for me to do is keep up my signing, go to workshops and training to improve problem areas, go to more deaf events, and just suck up the fact that I'm gonna have to wait till September to do the second part of the level 3.  And delay/amend my career plans, as I'm obviously not gonna get to to the next level  as soon as I thought.
Fuck, I'm so angry at myself for screwing up yesterday.

Gross sexism comes to Outline

Outline is a local, free magazine for my city, Norwich.  Cover here:

It gives info on the club nights, the gigs, and up and coming fun events in the city.  It’s considered a bit alternative.

It has a jokes page, with stuff that’s a bit of a laugh, right?  Anyway August’s jokes were just chock full of  misogyny:

Urg.

This is rape culture and this is the stuff that distresses me about modern life.  This is why I fill my blog roll and my twitter follows with people I trust who don’t perpetuate this shit or instead call it out, because otherwise the world’s just too damn depressing.

Thank you John Stewart.

EDIT - It looks like they have a facebook page and a twitter account.

My heart hurts

Found this on Ragnel's' tumblr page:
---------------------------------------------------

justaguywitharrows:

kiriamaya:

[TRIGGER WARNING for murder and trans-hatred]
[Image is a black-and-white picture of Tyra Hunter, a short-haired black woman, wearing what appears to be a turtleneck with a necklace]
abbyjean:

It was the morning of Aug. 7, 1995, and Tyra Hunter, a popular African-American hairdresser, was on her way to work in Washington, D.C. Suddenly, the car she was in was broadsided. In this situation, one would expect that Hunter would have promptly been taken to a hospital, where she would have received whatever medical care she needed. But tragically, and outrageously, that is not what happened. When emergency personnel arrived on the scene, they helped the barely-conscious Hunter out of the car and began treating her, but only until one of them realized she was transgender after cutting open her clothing. At that point, they backed away from her, began laughing at her and taunting her with anti-transgender slurs. They stopped treating her in a life-threatening situation. In what world does someone sworn to help others in emergency situations stop treating them to attack them? When she was finally transported to a hospital, her ordeal didn’t end. Doctors refused to treat her, and by the time she was finally granted medical care, it was too late. Hunter was pronounced dead the same day. (via COLORLINES)

Mandy Carter, “Still No Freedom Rainbow for Transgender People of Color”

may actually start weeping

What the fuck is wrong with people?
-------------------------------------------------------

I'm speechless.  Fuck I hate people sometimes.

Where stuff that gets made public reveals a nasty side

Having joined up on twitter recently I have been following various people.  Some are famous, for example Gail Simone.

Following Gail Simone has increased my respect for her a thousandfold.  Her tweets are funny, and she's so far exhibited only decent-person ideas.  Today (Tuesday 8th June) she has been talking about The Killing Joke, y'know, that comic where Barbara Gordon, then Batgirl, got shot in the spine by the Joker and paralysed.

When editorial approval was sought for this particular plot, the editor (Len Wein) reportedly yelled down the hall:

'Cripple the bitch'

Isn't that hateful?  Isn't it venemous?  Granted, I do not know the tone in which it was said, but the words are ugly.  What struck me after asborbing this bit of (old) news, was the way in which feminist are accused of treating characters like real people.  Isn't that just what this editor is doing?  Why ascribe the word 'bitch' to a fictional character, in that context, if they are not in some way real to you?

And if Barbara Gordon is indeed real to you what does this say about your attitude to real flesh and blood women and wheelchair users?

Which is why I find the statement 'Cripple the Bitch' quite disturbing.  It's along the same lines as Bill Wilingham saying:

"I wanted to gun down those girls who kept asking about the memorial case"

at the recent heroes con (reported on here).

I am someone who believes words are important.  I think those sort of casual throwaway line regarding violence usually betrays some feeling of anger, hate or violence within a person.  Or at the very least some sort of detachment towards others.  You certainly can't fully appreciate and support the full meaning of those phrases without being a very malevolent person.*

So this leaves me kind of sickened.  And this is exactly the sort of thing that says women (and people with disabilities) are not welcome.  It's the same mentality that puts rape scenes into comics (or any popular culture medium).  It's the sort of shit that makes me very wary about the types of internet sites I inhabit and makes me distrustful of any new people I meet (men and women, because these views permeate all genders).

*I am not in any way stating that using a wheelchair is a negative thing.  But I believe that the editor who uttered those words thinks that it is a punishment of some sort.