Thursday, February 19, 2015

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 7 weeks 2 days

I'm struggling with what to write here.  I don't want to discuss the really personal stuff as some things need to remain private.  I could just do informative stuff, but that would feel really dry and I need these sorts of spaces to be honest with myself, honest with my readers and honest with my feelings.  I need to be able to write down and explain my emotions and thoughts, even if my understanding is only true for that one moment that I am writing things.  And of course, I want these blogs to be useful to anyone else going through the same thing, because it's hard, it's so, so hard.

The hospital is offering us fortnightly reassurance scans until 12 weeks.  Everything is fine, but they want to give us the opportunity to put our minds at rest.

I started getting nauseous last week, at 6 weeks 2 days.  With C, I got nauseous once for about 3 hours.  This time I've had a few days of feeling sick, but I haven't been sick.  My hips ache and I've got a few twinges, but nothing like the severe cramps I had with C.  If I got those cramps now I'd be convinced I'd be miscarrying.  With what I know now, my doctor really should have referred me to the early pregnancy unit last time.

I spent the weekend away with family and ate a lot and now I feel fat and like people will look at me and just know that I'm pregnant. But that's daft.  I can't be showing at 7 and a bit weeks.  I think I'll start showing in January, just when I'm back to work and am about 10 weeks gone.

When C was born I realised the capacity of the heart to just grow and grow.  I never would have thought I'd suddenly have more space for all that love.  The love is there but it's inextricably mixed with grief and that will never go away as I will never stop missing and mourning my boy.  I was wondering how my heart would grow again for this new child.  I thought maybe my feelings would for C would be pushed aside or reduced somehow.  I realised this weekend that is not true.  My heart is growing for this new baby, it's not doubled in size as I'm still cautious and I'm still worried and I can't quite see it as a baby yet, but I now know it has the capacity to grow.  There is a tiny flickering of warmth and love in there and it will grow, regardless of what happens.  I also know, now, that this new baby doesn't detract from what I feel for C and will never do.

I have two children, one living (for now).

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