Thursday, February 19, 2015

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 10 weeks and 3 days

I had the 10 weeks scan and it was delightful :).  The baby now has limbs and was moving around like a very active thing. For the first time I actually feel happy and like I've got a real baby. J  Because I've gone past the 10 week mark I also feel like I don't have to worry about miscarriage, because there's only a 1% ish chance of miscarrying now, which is about the same chances of having a stillbirth, and that 1% stillbirth risk is a chance I'm very prepared to take.  Clearly, or we wouldn't have tried.

Physically, I had cramps the day before the scan, that scared the shit out of me.  But I think it was a combination of ligaments stretching, needing a crap and the chair I was sitting on.  I had no bleeding. The doctor who scanned me was wonderful.  She talked to me about the what future scans will show, what they can do or not do, where we'd got for scans and she was frank and honest about the fact that the baby might still die and that there's not a lot they can do about that.  This sounds gloomy, but what I want and need is honesty.  People telling me that things will definitely be OK are talking horseshit.

I had very much showing now.  I can still wear baggy stuff, maternity clothes aren't quite right yet, but I look pregnant.  Thankfully no one has asked me whether I am or not, and I don't really want to tell people till I've had the 12 week scan, but I feel comfortable with being pregnant now.  I really believe it.

Buoyant. I feel buoyant.  I haven't felt happy in so long, and even though it's not permeating my soul happiness, I'm glad I can feel this.  I miss C with every fibre of my being and I am easily tipped over to the beginnings of tears and lumps in my throat, but I am also happy for this baby.

Gods I hope this one lives (how stark is that).  I'm not expecting it to though.  I'm expecting it carry it until it dies and then to labour again.  But while I'm carrying it I can be happy about it and love it.

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