Thursday, February 19, 2015

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 4 weeks and 1 day

I'm not even 5 weeks in and I've got indigestion..
I'm remembering the itchy and swollen legs..
I wish I could really remember what the baby's movement feels like but I feel my brain is refusing to let me recall the details....
I'm panicking about what to do.. when I will show, how I will tell people..

I went to see the midwife for my check in appointment on Monday. That was scary.  Fear has set in.
I think I might need to ask about getting CBT sessions - my brain is doing lots of scary repetitive thoughts which I really don't like.

I told my immediate team, because they were there for the last pregnancy and they came to C's funeral, and they could see the fear on my face when I came back from the midwife appointment.

Had a horrible few minutes in a work meeting today when people were asking each other what their kids' names were, but nobody asked me.  They know what happened, they know I have a son, but really I can't blame them for not asking, if the thought to ask occurred to anyone they would have no idea if it would be OK to ask or not.  We just hide death in this country.  We don't know what to do or say or how to react and it's bullshit.

Had a moment of feeling incredibly sick earlier today, but I think that was just hunger.  I doubt I'll get morning sickness, I didn't last time, but since I know so many women who had morning sickness I somehow feel like if I get sick it will mean everything is OK.

I have an early pregnancy scan booked for the 6 week mark.  Just to check there is a fetus there, and that it has a heartbeat.

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