Friday, February 20, 2015

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 12 weeks 1 day

I realised that the first sentence or so of what I type here will show up on twitter when the post is linked there...

So perhaps my first words in these posts shouldn't be about the state of my nipples?  Since you asked, they've stopped being painful a few days ago.  Thankfully.  It's damn cold here at the moment.

I'm quite amazed I've got to 12 weeks.  I have my dating scan tomorrow and our first meeting with the consultant to talk about our care plan.  It's really scary.  I'm going to have to tell people at work tomorrow as well. I feel like the 12 week scan is safe (hah).  But I'm showing. People will be noticing and I need to be open about it as otherwise no one will know what to say.  I can't bear that awkwardness and I hate secrets.  I've been running through possible ways to introduce it and what text to write in my head.. it's hard and upsetting and I don't think people will know just how stressful this whole thing is.

I saw another new midwife on Monday, I didn't like her.  She was very clinical, not at all warm.  She said I should look at the post mortem report to see when C died because it would be 'interesting'.  Fuck off.  She asked me about his movements too, and I felt like she was judging me.  I did not enjoy that appointment.  She had a student midwife with her so I took great pains to explain certain things about what happened, how we reacted and about how I followed the medical advice and guidance and movements to the letter, and it was wrong.  As I was doing this I felt like the main midwife was talking over me.  She offered to try and find the heartbeat and I think I froze into terror.  I want them to try at 14 weeks, knowing that may still be too early.  When they try, if they can't find one, I think I might break.

I got my swab results back - they tested for general infections, STIs and thrush.  I have none of them.  So the good news is I don't have an infection which will kill this baby.  The bad news is I still itch - unidentifiable muff rot as I put it.  I'll speak to the consultant about it tomorrow.

We went swimming on Sunday.  I kind of enjoyed it.  When we left I noticed my pelvis and hips were on the wonk. I later found out this is because I was doing breast stroke and you shouldn't do the leg part of breast stroke in pregnancy, because everything down there is so loose and flexible.  So that's me told.  I'll do normal leg kicks next time.

I think I might put up my care plan on here after the appointment.  I think it might be helpful to some people?  I hope they date me as closer to 13 weeks tomorrow.  I think they might date me as 12+6.  Fine by me.  The later they date me the sooner this baby comes out.  25 weeks to go.


Anonymous said...

Did you actually tell that Midwife to fuck off? I think I might have! How insensitive can you get?

Saranga said...

I was a bit too dazed. I'm much better at swearing at people after the event, when they aren't there.