Friday, February 20, 2015

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 16 weeks 5 days

Had another midwife appointment today.  She found the heartbeat really quickly, and kept with it.  I'm so relieved.  It sounded like a galloping horse.

It's been a rough week.  Friday to Sunday was just bad.  Monday and Tuesday was OK, but I've had terrible shoulders and neck.  So stiff and inflamed.  I've worked out pillows to support me on the sofa in bed and on my office chair but it's not perfect.  I use my body length u shaped pillow when lying down on the sofa, my dream genii lite one in bed to support my back along with one between my legs and a v shaped one at work on my chair.

I also sit on my exercise ball which helps get my pelvis into a better position and vastly reduces my pelvis pain.  My pelvic girdle pain is likely to get worse the further along I get so I need to do what I can to relieve it now.  My osteopath checked my pubic bone and that's not separating yet so that's good.  I'm sure I've heard my hips clicking and grinding though.  That's pretty rough.  Walking makes my pubic bone and pelvic girdle area hurt, which is shitty, to say the least.  I'll just need to make sure I get the bus more often.

As for movements, they are there, not very often, but they are there.  They aren't as definite as they were at 14 + 4/5/6 when I first felt them, but they are there.  They'll get stronger.

I slept for 12 hours last night.  I've also been hungrier the last couple of days so I figure it's going through a growth spurt.  I remember this with C.  I've checked photos from last time and I'm about the same now as I was at roughly 22 weeks.  I don't feel very big though.  I'm still half convinced it's just fat from too many pies.

Having said I slept for 12 hours, over the last few weeks I have been less tired, so I guess it's that second tri energy boost that I thought was a myth.  I haven't been nauseous for a few weeks either.  That's nice.  Can't quite believe I'm nearly 17 weeks.. that's almost halfway there.. every day everything is fine is a good day.

I also think that I've started warming up.  I haven't been *really* cold in about a week or so, and I don't think the weather has changed that much.

Today is a better day.  Or at least it is since my appointment.  This morning I was super anxious.  I had to go into town and couldn't face going to familiar places to do some food shopping, so went and had lunch instead which distracted me.  I think it will be like this every time before an appointment, which is one reason why I hate having appointments.  I need them, I need to go, but I hate the build up beforehand.

I told my midwife about some weird stomach pains I've had - just two, on different days and lasting for no more than a minute.  She said it's nothing to worry about. Could be gas, could be my body just being pregnant.  I said I didn't want to ring up the midwives because at this stage, if there's something wrong they can't do anything and I'd rather not know.  I kind of just want to bury my head in the sand until 21/22 weeks when they can do something.  I feel so guilty about this, like it will lead to this rainbow dying.  If I got bleeding or sustained, repeated cramping or pain that lasted more than half an hour, I would ring the midwives, but if it's less than that I want to ignore it.  My midwife said that attitude is fine.  It's not a wrong way to behave or think.  So I feel less reprehensible now.

This is so damn hard.  I still hate seeing newborns, or babies that are about the age C would have been.  A woman at work brought her new baby (maybe 4 months?) in last week,  Thankfully I was in a meeting so didn't have to see her, but it nearly broke me anyway.  I cannot believe that no one told me she would be coming in.  Just because I am pregnant again does not mean I am OK.  It does not make C's death any easier.  Having a rainbow gives me a reason to live.  It does not mean my son is less important, or that things are less painful.  I cannot believe I have to write this out and that people don't automatically know it.  Thankfully my immediate team at work are really understanding and are happy to shield me from things when they can.  I will be forever grateful for that.  But it doesn't stop it hurting.

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