Friday, April 10, 2015

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 23 weeks, 4, 5, 6 days

23 weeks 4 days.
The physical crap.

I've had enough of pelvic pain and swollen ankles. It's not interesting anymore. I got really bad both calves the othet night. That wasn't fun either. That's not meant to happen till third tri.


13 and a half weeks to go, in which the terror and guilt will grow and grow.
3 days until it's viable.
1 week 2 days till the 24 week scan.
And a flurry of happy birth announcents from other people in the meantime.

23 weeks 5 days
My legs have been really swollen and tight so the boyfriend gave me a leg massage. Hurt like hell, as I've got lots of knots but they felt a lot better afterwards and were a lot looser today.
I think I now need to be sleeping on my side, not flat on my back. Last night I realised my big U shaped pillow allows me to kind of prop myself up on it do I'm a bit raised up, my chest a bit higher than my pelvis. This is good.
Today I walked into work for the first time in neatly 2 weeks and it felt good to move. I didn't really do a lot of walking over the last week.

23 weeks 6 days
I'm shattered. I think I've forgotten what it feels like to not have pregnancy/grief induced tiredness.  Or what it's like to not be pregnant.

I realised, about a week ago, that I felt comfortable planning this one's funeral. The thought has terrified me since we fell again.  I think because I couldn't quite understand when it became a real baby. But now I know it is and now I know I can arrange another funeral.  And hey, so long as I don't go into labour today and deliver before midnight, this one gets a certificate of stillbirth and will be officially registered as a person, which is really good.
Only people who have had a loss are going to understand that last paragraph.

(added in later)
I'm also concerned that my belly is tenting too much.  By tenting I mean that when I sit up instead of it staying flat it forms a tent shape and comes to a point.  This is bad because it encourages your abdomen to split, and my abdomen didn't fully heal from C's pregnancy.
Pelvic girdle pain is affecting my hips and lower back.  Ugh.
Roll on tomorrow's 24 week mark.

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