Friday, April 03, 2015

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 23 weeks 0 days

Some people are really, very kind.

I've been away for a few days with work, on the continent.  It was a tiring few days, these things always are, and being away from my hospital and medical team was making me anxious.  This translated into me feeling fewer movements than normal, and left me concerned.  I got back into Liverpool Street station to come home and rang the midwifery team, who first advised me to ring delivery suite, at which point I broke down and said I just couldn't, and explained why.  The thought of having to go to delivery suite to check this baby's heartbeat is more horrifying than I can ever explain.  Whilst I know I'll have to do it at some point I don't want to do it now, at just 23 weeks. They agreed to get a community midwife to ring me back, which I could cope with.

At the end of the call a perfect stranger came up to me, in the station, in London mind, and asked if she could help, or if I was OK, or something.  She said I looked distressed.  I was sobbing.  I was scared of telling her why I was upset because I didn't know how she'd react.  She was fine.  She was ever so kind.  She offered to sit with me till my train came.  She offered her sympathies.  She asked me questions to get me focusing on something else.  She asked if I wanted to go to another hospital now (I didn't, I only trust my local team).  She didn't press me to explain things when I wasn't clear.  She stood there and she listened and she gave me the support I needed at that time.  I am ever so grateful to her.

On the train I was on the Sands forum begging for help from the other members, who were calming and talked me down, enough so that I managed the two hour journey home.

The community midwife came to our house at about midnight and checked the heartbeat, and it's fine.  Strong and clear and regular.  I talked through some of my fears and she listened, and reassured me.

I couldn't get through this without other people's support, I'm not sure if I can get through it anyway, but the kindness of strangers blows me away, every time.

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