Sunday, February 12, 2012

Today is hate the world day

So, I've been doing a British Sign Language Level 3 NVQ Certificate course (for British folk - it's about A-level standard).  I started it in September, finished (and passed) the first part (called language development) in December, and was very ready to start the second part in February, which would give me the qualification.

But the training provider I was training with had to delay the second part until September.  So I started looking for other providers.  Yesterday I headed down to London (no short trip - it's about 3.5 to 4 hours door to door, each way) for an assessment to do the second part of the course.  Which I right royally fucked up.  See, I know I'm at the required standard.  I'm at the right level.  My signing isn't fluent, I make mistakes, but I am ready to get this qualification and I am absolutely determined to do it.  Unfortunately I'm not very good in test situations, and I panic, doubt myself and get really nervous.  So my signing goes to pieces, my handshapes get sloppy, I forget basic vocabulary, I forget what I'm trying to say, I forget to respond to people, I concentrate so hard on getting all the information that I go out of focus and my mind wanders and I don't pick up what they want to tell me.

So because of nerves, because I want to do this qualification so badly I have probably screwed it up.  I wasn't at my best, I can do better.  I know this.  But what's the point if I can't show it?  I do the same with driving tests - I've got my third one on Tuesday. I can drive OK, I can drive to the right standard, I just freak out just before the test, get nervous and drive badly.  I will probably do the same again on Tuesday, which will mean another £62 (the cost of each test) and the cost of lessons is wasted, and I'll have to spend it all over again.

Have an appropriate song:

Edit, made about 5 hours later:  Now I've had a walk and a think I figure the best thing for me to do is keep up my signing, go to workshops and training to improve problem areas, go to more deaf events, and just suck up the fact that I'm gonna have to wait till September to do the second part of the level 3.  And delay/amend my career plans, as I'm obviously not gonna get to to the next level  as soon as I thought.
Fuck, I'm so angry at myself for screwing up yesterday.

1 comment:

Feminist Avatar said...

I failed my driving test several times because the nerves got the better of me. I took Kalms tablets on the time I passed and they seemed to work, so something like that might work. Some people recommend bananas for similar reasons!

Hope you feel a bit better now you've had some space to think!