Saturday, March 21, 2015

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 21 weeks 1 day

I've come to realise that one of the reasons I have absolute faith in my medical team is because I don't feel like I've got any choice not to have faith.  If I thought the quality of care was sub standard, I just wouldn't cope.

I see other people's reports of their care and it is different.  Care varies according to trust and your history so everyone's care plan is unique. But still, I see things that make me ask, briefly, why aren't I getting that, but then I push those thoughts down because I have no choice but to accept what I'm being given.  I am comforted by the fact that the Eastern region has the second lowest stillbirth rate and as I know we have some terrible hospitals I figure mine must be pretty good to balance that out.  Although I do wonder if perhaps we should move to the South West for the next few months (or Finland).  I am semi serious.

I realised that I am cheered by my midwife treating my pregnancy as normal and healthy, and acting like this baby will live.  It gives me a sense of perspective.  I don't want to be wrapped in cotton wool, I don't think that's healthy and I think it could increase my anxiety.  I need to do everything as normally as possible.

I remember this time last year, I was in the second tri, about to move into the third.  During the first tri I was incredibly anxious and scared as I was having loads of cramps, and some spotting, and was convinced I'd miscarry.  I the second tri my mood lifted and I was in a good mood for most of it (barring normal down days).  Then in the thirs tri my mood crashed and I'd be sobbing for no reason.  I wonder if hormones are giving me a positive feeling in this tri and if I will crash again in about 6 weeks.  I wonder how I'll manage if that happens.

I really want to compare this baby's growth chart with C's growth chart, but I'm too scared to go in his memory box.

In body news, when I sit at a desk my bump is getting in the way.  I am feeling distanced from the desk.  How odd, and how early.  I'm also getting regular, bad indigestion.  Boo to that.

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