Friday, March 13, 2015

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 19 weeks 0 days

I'm feeling quite positive right now, despite having a really mixed day.

Went to see the physio and osteopath yesterday and now have a set of exercises to do to fix my knee and stretch and out my leg muscles, which have just started getting really tight, well, tighter than normal.  Then I walked back from the osteopath and spent last night in quite a lot of pain as I could no longer bend my knee, which is probably linked to my pelvic girdle pain, which in turn impacts my shoulder.  Lesson learnt - get the bus home after an osteopath treatment.

I had a very emotional, worried day today, it was a combination of stress, aches and pains and general nervousness, about everything.  I then went to my pilates class, my first pregnancy pilates class of this pregnancy.  I can't quite believe I am willingly putting myself into a situation with other pregnant women, who are probably happily and naievly pregnant.  And putting myself into a situation where it reminds me so much of this time last year.  It hurts.  But I need to do the exercise and I need the medial support from the teacher.  I need to surround myself with a medical and health support network.  I managed the class OK.  I didn't cry.  But I've had better head days.

If anyone else is thinking of doing a similar thing, make sure your teacher knows your history, tell them how you want them to approach it and do whatever you need to do to make it easy on yourself.

Having said all that, I'm now at home watching Smallville and considerably calmed down.  Sure, it has a lot of associations, but I think I'm getting good at burying them.

I feel so blase writing this... I feel like I'm seperate from my history and I feel like I'm not being geunine.  Like I'm distanced from everything and I've just got a happy mask on.  But I ain't willing to probe any deeper.

Edit to add - I've just seen a particularly galling and hurtful pregnancy announcement on Facebook.  I know these things are not about me, and I know that people should be positive about their pregnancies but it's frustrating and naive and hurtful and feels dismissive. If people think at all, and I doubt they do think of me when they announce these things,  I think they think I'm OK now because i'm pregnant again. They just don't understand the terror for this one,the raw grief for C, and the whole complication of it all.

I've had people tell me all will be fine (really? How do you know this? Got a crystal ball?). I've had others tell me that if I'm healthy then the baby us healthy - really? So what did C die of then? B/c I can assure you he died and I can assure you I was healthy and actually he was too, so why the heck are you telling me healthy presentation means everything is fine? Weren't you paying attention? Don't you know? How can you not know?

I could hit them all. Spit in their face. Scream obscenities at them. How dare they be do right, so convinced if their own rightness. How dare they not know and see how I feel. What allows them to feel the way they do while I have to deal with all this?  Why do they get their kids and I don't? Why can't I have my son,dammit? 

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