Friday, March 13, 2015

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 18 weeks 5 days

I now feel pressured to write these damn updates which is what I was afraid of.  One of the things I was afraid of anyway.  But on the other hand, I know that I can write them and then schedule them for a week away, of just sit on them till I'm ready to publish.  My blog, my choice and I ain't beholden to letting anyone else know how doing.  Grump grump.

Anyway, lots of stuff has been milling around my head over the last week.  So much stuff.  So many worries.  Let's get the physical stuff out the way first.

Swollen ankles.  At the start of Feb last year I went on a work trip to Brugges.  It's about 7 hours or so of train travel to get home and when I did manage to put my feet up, on the sofa, both ankles were that puffy they looked like they'd been broken.  For reals.  This time around I've been having itchy, restless awkward legs that are uncomfortable for weeks and weeks.  Certainly since the first trimester, however, we only noticed my fat, swollen ankles and feet last Friday.  I think it was last Friday.  Apparently even my toes looked fat.  At least I know they'll be back to normal within a week of giving birth.  I loathe how bad my legs feel,

Itching.  My unidentifiable muff rot is getting better.  I think it's something that goes when I'm pregnant and returns when I'm not. Le joy.

Braxton Hicks. I think I've been getting a few over the last few weeks.  Can't quite get a handle on when they happened, maybe just from 2 weeks ago.  I can just feel my uterus getting tighter, with my hand on it and without.  There's no pain with them.

Aches and pains - pelvic pain had gone until this afternoon when it returned a bit.  My shoulders have been very stiff and painful, my lower back hurts, my knees hurt and my right arm hurts.  This is all normal, but it's frustrating.  I see an masseuse, a osteopath, a physio and I have pregnancy pilates classes.  I feel well looked after in this respect - I have a great medical support network and if anyone else has a rainbow pregnancy I would recommend getting these types of medical support, if you can.

My vaginal discharge has changed - not to anything worrisome, it just changes during pregnancy.

Sciatica - yesterday while sitting down I got shooting pain down the front of my left leg.  This may be pregnancy sciatica. Fucking marvellous.

Boobs - my breasts have definitely grown, larger than they were this calendar time last year and certainly they've got bigger earlier than they did with C.  Just before I fell with this one I was the same bra size as I was just before I fell with C, despite being a stone heavier.  I have a tiny back and I'm proud!

Movements are starting to happen more regularly. Thank fuck.

This whole thing feels much more real than it did with C.  With him, it didn't feel real till a few weeks before he died.  But now I've had him, this one has felt like a real baby since about 10 weeks.  I think people with living children and rainbows will both recognise this.  How can you understand the enormity of what making a baby means until you have had one?

The emotional crap:
Last week was horrible. My head was like treacle and I felt on the edge a lot of the time.  I'm not feeling like that now, so I can't describe it, but it was a pretty awful week.  There was the generalised worry and anxiety and then I was fretting about mother's day.  I should get my mum a card but I just can't bring myself to send someone else a mother's day card, because who the fuck is going to get me one.

I had a sort of breakthrough a few days ago.  I am no longer thinking 'when' this one will die, I am thinking 'whether' it will die.  I'm not sure what's more terrifying.  The certainty or the unknowing.

Then there's the knowledge that my (twin) sister is pregnant, about as far along as me.  In any other circumstance this would be awesome.  But now, now I just can't help thinking hers will live, mine might die, and if that happens I won't be able see her or her children for a very very long time.  I like my sister, I want to be able to see her kids, I want our kids to know each other, but if mine dies then all I will see when I look at hers if what mine could have been.  Then there's that I'd quite like to be able to see my sister, to talk to her and to be a part of her life.  But if only one of our kids survives...well that won't be possible.

Then there's the worry about the 20 week anomoly scan coming up soon.  We'll find out the sex.  But what if it's a girl. What if it's a boy.  What if, when it arrives, it looks like C. What if it doesn't.  There is no way to win.  I don't particularly want a boy *or* a girl - I want it to live - but I don't know what to think about it being either girl or boy.  This is all so damn difficult.

Well, I don't feel as bad as I thought I would writing this.  It's all from notes I've taken over the last week so I feel really detached.

I've got a physio appointment tomorrow, at the hospital, for which I am burying the feelings of dread.

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