Supernatural Season 3 - episode recap (the first)

Found this in my drafts. I reckon I started it late May, but never managed to finish it, or to recount the remaining season 3, 4 and 5 episodes I have since watched.   3 seasons in under 2 months isn't bad going.  If you keep track of that sort of thing.

I wasn't in a great state for most of June so I was watching SPN but without any ability to write about it.  Watching it gave me something to focus on and distract me from the awful shitstorm that is end of May and the whole of June.

By the time I had got into season 4 I realised that seasons 3-5 blend together really well, it's more like one loooong season than 3 separate ones.  Of course, seasons 1 and 2 are also part of the story, but they feel more distinct to me.  Season 1 is a show that is finding it's feet, that is developing the characters and working out what it wants to be.  Season 2 is pure gold.  It's very good horror and it's visibly and physically dark.  Seasons 3 - 5 have a different feel.  While the events of 1 and 2 are obviously key to the next 3, they just feel different to me.  So perhaps recapping them all in one go (but several blog posts, don't worry), before I go into season 6 will be helpful.  For me, at least.

I'm still bloody bowled over by how much I love such an aggressively masculine show.  Usually shows which are so male don't resonate with me, I am very aware that they are not for me, but Supernatural, it grabs me and pulls me in and sinks it's teeth into me.  I have discovered that there is a large queer and female fanbase, so it would seem that I am not the only atypical audience.  A lot of the fanbase seem to be older women too, which delights me.  I'm not sure I'd feel so comfortable chatting to other fans if they were mostly teenagers.

Anyway.  What follows is a post I wrote back in late May. Enjoy. Or not.

This may be a flawed recap as it seems I didn't take many notes whilst watching it.
A) Who the fuck takes notes while watching a show.  I realise I am odd.
B) I remember when I didn't have to take notes because I would not only remember the episode details, but I would also have the energy and brain function to be able to write things up straight after I watched the thing.

I do know that after the brilliance of season 2, this season was less interesting.  The lighting and colours in the show changed too, it became a lot brighter, which saddened me a little.  There's plenty of good stuff in the season though.  Dean coming to terms with his deal, Sam struggling with finding out about it and his determination to save Dean, Dean's refusal to let Sam do anything.  All of that, it's good to watch and absorb.

There are only 16 episodes in this season, I believe the writers strike cut it short.  I think this worked out well as it meant the planned storylines were lengthened into the next season, which I think probably benefited them.

Ep 1 - The Magnificent 7.  The boys fight the 7 deadly sins (demons).  Dean is reckless due to his deal, but also depressed.  I read him as having passive suicidal feelings.  The brothers meet 2 other hunters who call them out for opening the gates of hell.  That's quite a satisfying moment, because they really did fuck that one up.  I think this is the first episode where there is a mention of the Boy King.

Ep 2 - the Kids are Alright
At this point I got the impression that Dean will spend this season fucking.  I wasn't wrong.  This episode he tries to hook up with an old shag - Lisa, who now has a son, Ben.  My headcanon says that Ben is Dean's son, the show doesn't confirm this.  We get to see what a normal family life would be Dean, and it's kind of heartbreaking.
The monster in this ep is a Changeling, stealing children and replacing them with scary fascimiles.  It's quite a chilling episode.

Supernatural season 2 eps 18 - 22

Season 2 recap continues..  spoilers ahead.

Ep 18 - Hollywood Babylon
The boys investigate a haunted movie set, but it turns out to not be haunted.  Other things are afoot.  They manage to get jobs on the set, Dean makes a particularly good PA.  He also eats everything he can, I do enjoy Dean eating, and he gets laid, by the star actress no less.  We learn about Dean's love and knowledge of crappy horror films.  This is very much a Dean-centric episode and I heartily approve.  Particularly as I feel that season 2 is overall more Sam-centric.  It is about his psychic powers after all, and it's a good storyline, but I do like Dean stories.

Through looking at other recaps just now I see that Something Wicked in season 1 is also Dean centric.  Normally I would watch it, but it deals with ill children so I am so not up to watching it at the moment.

Ep 19 - Folsom Prison Blues
This is a bonkers premise.  There's a haunting in a prison so the boys get themselves arrested (easy enough to do with the files the police have on them), and they get sent to the haunted prison.  Convenient.  Dean fits in particularly well, he's all swagger and bravado and instantly gets on with some of the prisoners.  Others he gets into a fight with.  Of course he does, he's Dean.

Dean charms their lawyer and convinces her to get him information about the ghost's body, and the boys escape.

This is a wonderfully fun, charismatic episode.  Dean is having far too much fun and Sam thinks the whole idea is bonkers.

Ep 20 - What is and what should never be
Ooof. if you are a fan of Dean this might well break your heart.

Dean get attacked by a Djinn and is thrust into what he thinks is a new reality.  In this new reality his mum is alive, the family aren't hunters, and Sam and him don't get on.  Given that this is meant to be his greatest wish fulfilled, I find this ep a bit unbelievable, as I don't think he would ever dream of a reality where Sam and him weren't joined at the hip.

Their Dad is dead, of a stroke, small mercies and all that, but then Dean realises that all the people they have saved in the other world are dead in this one.  He decides that he needs to sacrifice his happiness and go back to his old world.  And that is why I love this show and I love Dean.  he's a hero through and through, he (nearly) always does the right thing and he's committed to improving the world.  He decides to give up his own personal happiness in order to do what is right.  That is amazing and something to aspire to.

Dean decides to go find the Djinn and kill it, thereby reversing the spell, and Sam comes along with him (because they are destined to be together), Sam finds out about the supernatural and then Dean realises this isn't a new reality, it's an illusion.  And he end sup back in the real world and he's quite broken.

Ep 21 - All hell breaks loose part 1
The start of the epic season 2 conclusion!

Sam get kidnapped to a weird deserted town. The other psychic kids are there.  They learn about Azazel's deathmatch plan.  Sam is stabbed by the remaining psychic kid and dies in Dean's arms.

My heart is broken, again.

This is an excellent death scene, watching Dean react to his brother's death tears me apart.

Ep 22 - All hell breaks loose part 2
And then I get torn apart even more.
Dean's words to Bobby and his monologing over Sam's body illustrates to me how much of a parental role Dean has to Sam.  He has seen his charge die, his role in life has been to keep Sam safe, at all costs, and now he's failed him.  Dean expected Sam to outlive him, but now Sam has died and it just reminds me so much of a parent's grief when their child dies.  Dean will do absolutely anything to get Sam back.  So he does.  He makes a deal with a crossroads demon - to get Sam back Deans gives up his soul in 12 months time.  Seems like a pretty good deal to me.

The thing I don't like about this episode is John's ridiculous return. It's not needed and it cheapens what has gone on earlier in the season.  The brothers have worked through their feelings about John's death and we've had a huge focus on the brother's relationship.  John does not belong there.

So, that's a shitty note to end the season on.  If we forget about that part then season 2 remains glorious and worth many many watches.  I've started rewatching season 3 already.

How have I got here and where do I go

I used to read superhero comics.  I used to live for each Wednesday when the new ones came out and I devoured them. I read them quickly and with passion and excitement and an eye for continuity and character development and then I wrote about them and reviewed them and discussed them online and in person, if I could find anyone who would listen.

Then my son died.  He died unexpectedly with no warning (that I could recognise) and my life as it was ended.  Everything for me stopped.  My basic bodily demands of eating, sleeping and toileting continued but my mind and my soul felt like it had been destroyed.  Life was divided into a before and after and comics became something that was in the before.

Starting to read them, going back to buying them, left me numb.  It felt like a betrayal, and I felt empty.  I didn't want to give up my relationship with the comic shop, I didn't want to drop everything I had loved before, but I felt numb and powerless and on automatic when I bought them - doing so because that is what I had done for years.  I would buy them and they would sit ignored on my shelf for 2 months at a time.  I would halfheartedly pick them up and start to read them because I felt like I should, because I'd spent money on them and that is what was expected of me.

Reading them was at first an eerie experience.  I found some glimmers of enjoyment in some of them.  Others were flat and I could see the poor writing and plotting and bad art and I had no interest in them.  Slowly I began to enjoy more and more of them. Yet still they sit unread for a month or so, but now, when I pick them up, some made my heart soar.  I felt thrills at the stories of adventure, derring-do and heroism and friendship that these stories depicted.  This is what I used to feel and now I was feeling those feelings again..

Yet it still felt like a betrayal.

I would pick up a Superman or Supergirl story.  And it would often tell their origins.  And it felt like my heart was being ripped in two.  I felt the anguish of the parents like I was there, like it was my child I was sending away.  My son has a Superman themed name.  I always, always knew that if I had a boy he would have this name somewhere, and when we found out we were expecting a boy my partner didn't even try to suggest anything else, he smiled at me and said of course, because he knows how important the Super family is to me.

So now I read a story with that name, and I can feel the anguish of these fictional parents, I can feel their pain and I am insanely jealous of them, because I would have done the same.  If I was given the choice to keep my boy and let him die or to send him away somewhere to strangers, to people I judged to be kind but who were oh so different to him, then I would do it in a heartbeat.  Because bringing up kids isn't about what is best for the parent, it is about what is best for the child, and in the fictional world of the DCU, when your planet explodes and you can send your child somewhere safe, choosing life is best for the child.  In my world, if I had been told that my son would only live if I had to give him up, I would do that.  His life is more important than my sorrow.

For a while, in-between pregnancies, I still blogged.  I felt I had to do something, I had to carry out the daily activities of life, even though life to me was a facsimile.  We were just going through the motions, not even trying to survive, but trying to cope, to not break down every minute of the day.  So I posted pictures, and wrote inane things, and commented on inane things.  And it felt cheap and hollow but it was repetitive and it meant I was doing something.  But I no longer had the energy, inclination or ideas to write a proper post.  Then I fell pregnant again and blogged the pregnancy, and that helped stop me from screaming every day.

Then my second son was born, and I didn't have the time, energy or hands to be able to read.  So I watched telly.  Lots of telly, constantly for 6 months and prolly close to a year.  And after that I watched telly in the evenings, not in the day, but it was always telly over reading.  And it was general sci-fi rather than superhero telly.  And where it was superhero telly it was Marvel, not DC.  Telly is easier to take in than reading, it requires less active participation. I experienced some unexpected trigger points, two Star Trek Voyager episodes were particularly painful.

Writing still felt like it was part of before.  This post is the longest thing I have written since my second was born and it has taken me months to pluck up the courage to write it.  I still needed something creative and public facing to do.  I use twitter and facebook differently now - another change between the before and after. I have an instagram account. I started doing Outfit of the Day posts.  I started taking an interest in clothes, as something new, as a way to work out what I liked after 2-3 years in maternity and breastfeeding clothes.  I started crochet - I love it, it gives me something positive to do, it keeps me busy (I've never been good with not being busy), I get to learn new things and I get to make things.  I started drawing too.  I don't care that I have little technical skill, I enjoy doing it and I enjoy learning how to improve.  Some of my pieces I am genuinely proud of.  All this stuff goes on my instagram, not here, because here is part of before.

I have started reading prose book again.  They allow me to get lost in another world, to explore new perspectives and enjoy the well constructed prose.  They allow me to enthuse about things, to recommend them to others, to make me feel human again.

I still feel cheated.  I feel cheated out of my first year with my rainbow baby as I spent it trying to negotiate grief and the conviction he would die.  I feel cheated out of everything I should have had with my first.  I feel cheated out of my love of comics and certain fictional series,where the associations are just too strong to ever go back to.  I feel cheated out of being able to introduce my family calmly and without sadness and without navigating other people's shock and pity.

I'm not sure how I will be able to write comic reviews again.  I feel pressured to write on here and on New readers..., but I cannot get motivated enough to write about comics.  I don't know what I have to say about them, beyond what will fit in a tweet.  I don't think I'm enjoying reading individual issues, I'm thinking about cancelling a lot of my standing orders and just buying the trades instead.  Maybe that is a way to enjoy them once more, to make it manageable.  I don't think I'm very good at piecemeal reading any more, I think I need large chunks of story to read, to lose myself in.  And I frigging hate adverts in the middle of my comic.

So where do I got from here?  The idea of promoting what I write, or other things I do, makes me feel uneasy.  I'm not sure where my place in the online world is anymore.  I've become more private, yet I still feel like I need a connection with the outside world, hence my instagram account.  This piece feels important, but writing about comics themselves, that is not something I am interested in right now.  Which makes me sad as I used to be so passionate about it.  Oddly, I'm feeling a lot more positive (in general) than I probably sound.  I've come a long way in 3 years, but even so sometimes life still feels like a struggle, each day I feel bruised and fragile.  Writing this, I feel focused.  I miss writing, but I don't know what to write about.  Maybe something will come to me.

Not a misery memoir

On Saturday I went to a talk by graphic novelists Nicola Streetsen and Una as part of the Norfolk and Norwich Festival, literature weekend.  The title of the talk was 'Not a misery Memoir - gender, identity and overcomign trauma'.  Streeten has written and drawn Billy, me and You, a novel about her grief journey (sorry, I hate that phrase) after the death of her 2 year old.  You can see why I was interested in the talk. Una wrote and drew Becoming/Unbecoming, about growing up 70s Yorkshire when the Yorkshire Ripper was around.

I was expecting a talk about horrible, miserable stuff but that wasn't it at all!  Streeten started, and touched upon a few things in her book, the panels about marking people's reaction to her news, the funeral director's problem accepting they didn't want a religious service, stuff like that.  Una talked about feminism and how women's bodies are policed and judged.  But, most of the talk was about how art can show metaphor in a different (better?) way than words can.  About how we read the comics page and about how readers connect comics in a different way than they do to prose, so comics can be more beneficial than prose when processing traumatic things.  They talked about why they chose to do their story as a comic.  They talked about their art styles.  I think Streeten said her rough and ready scratchy style suits the depiction of grief, because grief is rough and ready.  Or maybe that's something I came up with.  There was some brief stuff about the technical process of comics too.  And, I keep forgetting this, they talked about these sorts of books being cathartic for readers, not the writers.  This is very true, I think.

Una comes from a fine art background and her stuff is beautiful.  I had not heard of her before, and now I think I'll be checking out Becoming/Unbecoming.  There's a lot of empty space in the art which I find quite emotional and nerve wracking, but that maybe because of where I'm at in my head (who knew 2 years later I wouldn't be back to normal and that grief taints every part of my day and mind).

They also talked about Laydeez do Comics of which Streeten is a co founder.

Of the audience, I was one of three women in their 20s/30s.  The rest were in their 50s/60s/70s and were there for the literature weekend.  It was very surprising to me but it felt lovely.  To be in a comics environment dominated by well to do professionals, no costumes, by hyperbole, no fuss, and to be surrounded by older people who didn't know anything about comics and were treating the medium and the other attendees seriously - I loved it.  The atmosphere was friendly and informal and I loved seeing Streeten and Una as older woman, and friends, doing comics professionally and chatting easily.

The day was being sketched by the founder (?) and definitely editor of Graphic Medicine, Ian Williams.  This is a tweet of one of his sketches:
https://twitter.com/WritersCentre/status/734015906825797633
His work was lovely!

Capture your grief 2015

About.

Day 1: Sunrise

Day 2: Intention

Day 3: In honour

Day 4: Dark and Light

Day 6: Books

Day 7: Memory

Day 9: Family

Day 10: Words

Day 11: Glow in the woods

Day 12: Normalising grief

Day 13: Regrets and Triggers

Day 15: Wave of Light

Day 16: Creative Grief

Day 18: Seasons and Symbols

Day 19: Music

Day 26:Gratitude

Day 31: Sunset

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 36 weeks 3 days

Over the last day or so my moods are very changeable and filled with anxiety. I only feel safe at the hospital. I'm terrified of labour and the few days between now and induction. I have a sweep booked for 2 days before induction and that terrifies me too. I think I've put off grieving for C over the last 9 months and I think his loss is going to hit me like a ton of bricks once I've had this baby and I am now longer pregnant.

I have finally got a prescription for antedepressants for use as soon as I have had the baby and instructions to go see the GP in my second week home, as well as utilise the community midwife and health visitor as much as possible. Apparently paroxetine takes a couple of weeks to kick in for depression and 12 weeks to kick in for anxiety. I don't understand why, but I guess it's because different parts of the brain are affected by depression and anxiety. I just need a crutch to help me cope and keep me caring.

I feel like a burden, like I should be more capable, more calm, more excited. Instead I feel like a liability and I don't trust my own judgement.

When people talk to me about how to look after a newborn I feel a massive sense of rage and bitterness. I can do pregnancy and labour talk, because it makes me feel included, but I can't cope with people telling me how much care newborns need or how much you worry about babies when they're out. Like I'm not worrying now, like they aren't real inside you or like they are safe inside you.

People saying 'you'll learn' as if i'm thinking caring for a newborn will be a doddle, make me really angry.  No one has recently said anything about how hard it is with a newborn. If anyone was to say anything I think i'd flip, because it can't possibly be harder than not having your baby. To imagine that I won't be as worried as every other parent...to imagine I won't be more worried... I had baby resuscitation training last Friday.  Other parents prefer to stick their head in the sand and assume it won't be needed..I know better.  I'm trying as best I can and I don't think it will ever be enough to save this one.

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 35 weeks 6 days and 35 week care plan

This meeting took place at 35+6, so practically 36 weeks, and a week before my planned induction at 37 weeks.

The scan showed that growth is fine, this will be a small baby, but the growth curve is looking reasonable.  Fluid levels and blood flow through the umbilical cord (measured by the doppler) are in the normal range.

We met with the registrar afterwards, not our named consultant, and I asked for reassurance about growth, whether it was worth bringing the induction date forward (to me, a few days won;t make any difference, surely?), getting a prescription for paroxetine (antidepressant) and about having a sweep a few days before induction.  The response:

Growth and induction date:  They are more concerned with the growth curve, the fluid levels and blood flow through umbilical cord than the size.  If growth had slowed, or remained static, or the other indicators weren't good, they'd bring delivery forward.  But they feel that everything is looking healthy so they would prefer induction to stay at 37+0, as it is planned.  If I notice any change in movements I need to come in immediately.  Like I need telling...

Obviously I'm super anxious about getting to the induction date so the registrar went and got the consultant and they did another scan, where they looked at the blood flow through the baby's brain, and that appeared to be at normal levels.  The consultant said that there is some evidence to show that in the last few weeks this is a more reliable indicator than the doppler blood flow checks, hence why he did it.

He said the evidence shows that we are at higher risk of another stillbirth, but if we deliver pre-term, i.e. before 37 weeks the baby is more likely to get into distress during labour which would lead to an emergency c-section.  Now I don't care about having a cesarean, but I do care about whether they can get to the baby in time.  He also said that if I were to come in 2 days early for induction I'd have to be on delivery suite, rather than the antenatal ward, and the thought of that makes me *extremely* panicky.  I am not willing to stay on delivery suite for 2 days or more to have this baby.  Fuck that with a capital F.  Also, if I was induced pre-term I could only come in if there was room in the nursery for the baby, in case they had difficulties post birth.

The upshot is that I have a provisional induction date for 36 + 5 but in all likelihood I'll keep my date as 37+0.  Unless I have an emotional breakdown between now and then.

Getting a prescription for paroxetine: Like the last registrar I saw she seemed surprised I was asking about this (despite it being in my notes) and said they would normally prescribe one of three other antidepressants.  I explained my reasoning and kept arguing with her until she agreed.  She then said they couldn't prescribe that at the hospital (contradicting what the registrar I saw at the 28 and 30 week scan said) and I would have to see my GP.  Which could be difficult as I can't make appointments in advance with my GP and I'm at the hospital every day until I get induced. Le sigh.  I'll work something out.

Sweep: She said I could have a sweep 2 days before induction which will hopefully make the induction process shorter.  As I'm not expressing colustrum fingers crossed induction won't take days and days.

I wasn't massively impressed with the registrar.  Our consultant took us through the reasoning behind his advice - the most up to date research, the implications, the risks, but she didn't.  She seemed put out when we listened to the consultant more than her and she told us that there were no guarantees this child would be OK, no matter what we did (i'm paraphrasing, I think her words were 'we can't guarantee anything).  You know what lady, we know that better than you!  I can feel it in my bones and we're living with the daily fear of this one dying.  You don't need to tell us nothing is guaranteed.  I don't want false reassurance, though I want facts.  It pisses me off that we have to push to get extra checks and better care and better explanations.

She also wrote nothing about paroxetine in my notes and nothing about the sweep.  I have been told, by my community midwife, that they cannot do a sweep unless it is written in my notes by a doctor.  So I have to go chase that up tomorrow at my scheduled CTG trace. *rage*

I had my last community midwife appointment 4 days ago.  It's my last one as I'm having daily CTGs now so I don't need both appointments.  It was with the one I saw at 12 weeks who I loathed.  She wasn't quite so offensive today, but she was still too excited for my taste,and beause she was running late she rushed me through everything, though she did answer all my questions.  I came out of the appointment pissed off.

I had my last osteopath appointment today, she was lovely.  She and my pilates teacher are getting a card once I've had the baby, they've been a bloody wonder over the last 9 or 10 months.

I've still got a range of stuff to buy and prep.  I need to get on that this weekend.

Parenthood after loss

I wrote this with the intention of submitting it to The F Word blog, but since writing it I haven't gathered up the guts to submit it, and since I'm due so soon I also can't handle the editing and feedback process as I'm getting rather stressed about what will happen over the next couple of weeks.  So I'm going to publish it here and ask The F Word to link back to it as part of their weekly round up.

Talking about stress, I think I might have another post in me about the physiological and mental effects of extended stress.

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What makes a mother?  Or a father?

I used to think that you became a parent once you'd given birth.  Once the baby was outside of the mother, and breathing.  But recent events have changed my opinion on this.

My first child died at full term, for no known reason.  According to conventional wisdom, I am not a parent as I have no child at home to care for.  According to conventional wisdom, the 8-9 months I grew him and carried him aren't enough to make me a mother.  From my pre-pregnancy understanding, once my son had died, I wasn't sure if we were still parents.  We had no physical, moving, breathing, child to show and talk about and cosset.  I have the evidence in my body that I carried him to full term - the stretch marks, the linea nigra, the post labour pains, the recovery period, the dodgy knees, the sore back.  Everything about my body screamed that I was a mother yet I was missing the vital proof.

Losing a baby is likely to be the most horrific experience a parent will ever go through, and denying their experience as parents is damaging.  I am still a mother even though my son isn't here.  I ate the right things, went to the ante-natal appointments, saved the scan photos, planned and decorated the nursery, bought all the right stuff, read all the right books and took as best care of him as I could.  If that's not being a mother what is?

Louise who runs the Duck in a Dress blog wrote about infertility and mothering sunday, and came to the conclusion that you become a parent when you feel like one.  I agree with this.  It might be when you discover you are pregnant, when you accept you are pregnant, when you have the first scan, feel the first movements, or when you have their baby in their arms.  Or it might be when you decide you desperately want kids.

Leigh Kendall over at Headspace Perspective recently wrote about whether she is a mummy blogger, given that her son lived for just 35 days.  Just because Hugo isn't with her now does that make her less of a parent, does that give her less of a right to be part of the parenting blogging circles?

Still Standing magazine has an article on just this subject, the writer argues that "a mother isn’t born when a child is born. A mother and father are born when the dream of a child is conceived".

I believe that it doesn't matter whether your child died due to a cord accident, placental failure, intrauterine growth restriction, pre-eclampsia or Hellp, or if their heart just stopped.  You are still a parent, if you want to be.  Even if you choose to have a termination for medical reasons you are a parent, making a decision in the best interests of your baby, the same way as parents of living children would decide whether to turn off life support should there be problems after the child is born (at age 1 or 26).

For those of us whose babies have died, if we are no longer parents, what does that say about our experiences of pregnancy and delivery?  If your baby dies in utero, after about 14 weeks, you still have to give birth, whether that is by labour or cesarean section.  The labour process is the same as that with a living child.  I know what the difference between early and active labour and I know what ring of fire refers to, and what it feels like to pass the placenta (gross, since you asked).

I think for second trimester losses, there is even more of an inclination to dismiss the baby as not real, and the parents as not parents, and that's damaging.  Baby loss parents have pregnancy symptoms and delivery stories, the same as every other mother out there, because it's the same process, but not if others don't recognise us as parents.  Not if they treat us, on later pregnancies, as first time parents.  Dismissing our children is a crushing experience.

We are still parents and it's about time the rest of the world recognised that.

Some notes:
Baby loss, through second trimester miscarriage, stillbirth (in the UK this is classified as death of a baby after 24 weeks gestation and prior to birth), is vastly unknown and misunderstood.  People think it doesn't happen, or that it's preventable, or that you'll get warning of it.  That's not always the case.  In 2013, over 5700 babies died just before, during or soon after birth.  That’s over 100 babies every week. Sometimes reasons are found, more often they are not.  Dealing with the death of a baby, whether you are the parent, other relative or a friend, is a hugely complicated and emotional thing to do.  If you then go on to become pregnant again, it's even more messy.  However there is support available:
Sands - providing support for those affected by late miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death, as well as promoting research around babies dying.  June is Sands awareness month, find out more here.
Tommys - funding research into stillbirth, premature birth and miscarriage, and providing information for parents.
Miscarriage Association - UK site giving information and support for all stages of miscarriage.
Movements advice from RCOG
Still Standing magazine - online magazine dealing with child loss and infertility

The language of grief

Saudade' (Portuguese) - the love that remains after after someone is gone. It can describe an emptiness, like feeling the absence of someone who should be there at a particular moment. It brings sad and happy feelings all together, sadness for missing and happiness for having experienced the feeling.

'Han' (Korean) - It's been described as "a state of mind. Of soul, really. A sadness. A sadness so deep no tears will come. And yet still there's hope." Its a feeling of unresolved resentment against injustices suffered, a sense of helplessness because of the overwhelming odds against one, a feeling of acute pain, and an obstinate urge to take revenge and to right the wrong—all those combined.

'Weltschmerz' (German) - the depression you feel when the world doesn't reflect what you think it should. It encapsulates a sense of grief at how the world keeps falling short of expectations. The pain caused by the inappropriateness and cruelty of the world and circumstances.

Pregnancy after stillbirth: weeks 28 to 30 plus 2

Ah, I have not felt capable of writing these last couple of weeks.  They haven't been good.  Emotionally, I've not been well and it's taking a lot of effort and a long run up to write this post.  There's not too much detail, but there's a lot to say, a lot to record.

At 28 weeks plus one I had visits from my family, a couple of them one weekend, and then the other one the next weekend.  They are visiting because I can't bear to leave Norfolk and be that far from my  hospital.  Remember how about 6 weeks ago I talked about how I just needed to grow up and stop being such an arse?  Well it turns out that I don't deal with seeing family, not right now, and I had a meltdown, as we affectionately call it, using that word to try and downplay and poke fun at a very bad time.  I flew into a rage and sent some rather nasty emails which I am not proud of.  I apologised, but that doesn't make it OK.  No matter what people have done, and no matter what I think of their behaviour, there is no need to send nasty, spiteful, rage filled missives.

I wasn't very well.  Things were getting on top of me, I was hurting, I was lashing out and I wasn't thinking straight.  I had a midwife appointment on the Monday and cried through most of the appointment.  Then I had a counselling session later, which was OK, I guess.  Then a pilates 1:1, which was a distraction.

I came home from work one evening, Tuesday I think, and spent the evening in bed, not caring about anything.  There were a lot of self harm thoughts (I haven't had those, in such a high frequency and strength, since probably October last year).  I didn't do anything to hurt myself (because I understand that when you're pregnant that sort of thing is frowned upon) but I wasn't well.  I managed to facilitate/run an all day workshop at work the next day, but still wasn't right.  I had my 28 week scan the day after and talked to the doctor (a registrar, not my consultant) and she suggested anti-depressants, which I'll go into in another care plan post.  I declined the anti-depressants, not because I have a thing against 'popping pills' as so many people rather naively put it, but because when I'm this way I don't make quick decisions and I wanted to be able to research the drugs first.  I didn't go into work that afternoon, but I also didn't take to bed.  I functioned.

The next day I did go into work, but left a bit early to go to the hospital for my second emergency CTG trace.  I had no idea whether I needed to go or not, but because I wasn't rational enough to make a decision I thought I'd be best going in.  When I got there the midwife agreed I'd done the right thing.  However, I did have to sit in the waiting room for about 5 minutes waiting to be called through.  The same waiting room where we were kept for about an hour when we went in to check C's movements and were told he'd died.  So that was pretty horrendous.  Or would have been had I allowed myself to feel stuff.

Since then I've been improving.  I'm not right, not like I was before this 28 week mark, but I look fine and I'm doing normal life stuff and to everyone else I'll be fine now. But I feel like I've packed my emotions and fears into a little box and I've pushed it down deep inside me.  I feel brittle.  That Tuesday scares me, if I allow myself to think about it, because it was a reminder of what depression is like, and I haven't felt that way in a long time.  I'm used to managing stress and anxiety, but not used to feeling like that.  So I push it down and pack it away and I'll deal with it at  later point when I have more time and space.

I do have to remember that in the third tr with C my mood crashed, completely.  I just started crying for no reason and feeling low.  I never really brought it up with my midwife because I'm not good at talking about this stuff, but it was a significant difference to my second tri mood where I was comparatively bouncing along, and the change happened overnight.  So I suspect that this week is a combination of grief, pressure, fear and hormones.

A friend at work (when talking about something completely different to the above) said something like 'you don't want to be defined by your loss at work', and my instinctive reaction was yes I do.  But now, I'm not sure if that's the 'right' response, or what I want.  I need to reconcile my status as a mother with other people's understanding of being a parent, and somehow fit all that into the rest of my life.  Which is kind of what these blog posts are about, a bit.  The purpose of them has changed, I think, since I started writing at what, 5 weeks (?) gone.

So, I guess I should also talk about the physical stuff.  At around 27 weeks I got a growth spurt, and jesus my hips and pelvis started hurting.  So I made an appointment to see the physio (at 29 weeks plus 3) and she gave me a support belt, which is bloody amazing.  Of course the departments at the hospital don't talk to each other, or read historical notes in their department, so she asked how old my child at home was and I curtly pointed to my Sands sticker on my maternity notes (the notes I bring with me that she wouldn't have seen beforehand).  She went ahh and it was fine, but for fucks sake. She saw me for about 50 minutes and gave me exercises to do to help with other pain, and on the whole was pretty good.

Speaking of pelvic girdle pain (PGP), the ways I manage it are:

• When standing or walking for long periods, wear the support belt.  I did get given one with C but it hurt more so I never used it.  This time round my bump is flatter and lower (my torso muscles have little to no tone due to the short pregnancy gap) and the belt works a treat.
• When lying down, put a pillow between your knees, a pillow against your back and a pillow underneath your bump.  You can buy maternity pillows which do all these things or you can use separate ones.  I use a mixture of 4 maternity and non maternity pillows.
• Pelvic tilts can be done sat on an exercise ball, leaning back against an exercise ball, on your side at night or standing up.  They really, really help loosen up painful lower back muscles, which while not strictly speaking are part of pgp, nonetheless don't help.
• Doing pregnancy pilates every week.
• Seeing an osteopath (experienced in treating pregnant women) every 3 weeks to realign my pelvis.
• Sitting on an exercise ball at home, not on the sofa.
• Not pushing myself.  If something hurts, stop doing it.

FYI, my pgp hurts when I walk for more than 10-15 minutes, when I roll over in bed at night, when I sit on the sofa for too long and when I stand up from the sofa I get shooting pains down my leg.  That last bit probably isn't pgp, its just general pregnancy tightness.  It all needs treating though.

Right, what other physical stuff?  I had the whooping cough vaccination at 29+3.  It made my arm hurt.  2 days later I started getting a cold and now nearly one week later the cold is still lingering. It's not that severe, but bloody hell it's knocked me out.  I feel like I've been asleep for most of the week.  Considering that and my near breakdown the week before I've done fuck all at home and the boyfriend has had to take up all my chores, as well as the redecorating job he's doing.  It's not very fair on him so now I'm better I'm determined to start pulling my weight again.

Comics review: Convergence week 5

Spoilers ahead (probably).

Convergence 5
I really cannot bring myself to care about this main title.  Skataris and dinosaurs are fun, but it's not necessary to read this to understand the tie-ins.  I suspect that I will be selling this mini.

Convergence: Justice League 2
There's some ridiculous bum and boob images in this.  Ignoring that, this isn't too bad,  It's pretty much a big fight between the League and Flashpoint Aquaman, with a bit of Vulko, ending with Mera killing Flashpoint Aquaman.  I can't imagine anyone not invested in pre 52 continuity enjoying this.  Fortunately, I like the pre 52 world a lot.  These 2 issues are keepers, really just for Supergirls' involvement in them.

Convergence: Superman 2
Just lovely.  Lois has been kidnapped by Flashpoint Kal, but he doesn't mean her harm, and he takes her to Flashpoint's Batman's cave.  Lois goes into labour and Flashpoint Batman (Thomas Wayne, a  doctor) says he can't handle delivering the baby so Clark does it.  Surprisingly, they show the labour as being quite drawn out, and not over in half an hour.  And at the end Lois and Clark and a baby boy.  It's delightful.  This is definitely a keeper.

Convergence: Batman and Robin 2
This appears to be one of the few tie-ins that lets it's heroes be heroes - i.e. not willing to go fight the opposing champion.  Of course it is, it's Batman.  Jason Todd and Damian are in this, and it turns into a father-sons piece.  The art is nice.  I couldn't care about the story.  I'll try and sell this.

Convergence: The Atom 2
I think I'd remember this more fondly if I hadn't watched Smallville's Booster episode last night (with the three Blue Beetles in it).  Which means that I'm getting my blue heroes muddled.  The comic was OK.  I find the Deathstroke vs the Atoms storyline strange, probably because I wasn't reading the pre 52 issues where Deathstroke killed Ryan Choi.  I do like that Ryan has been resurrected, that's a good thing about this event.  I am undecided as to whether I should keep this.

Convergence: The Question 2
This might be called the Question but really it's a Two-face/Renee story, with lots of support by Batwoman and Huntress.  Some of the storytelling through just art (no words) is pretty damn fine.  I highly highly recommend this.  Definitely a keeper.

Convergence: The Titans 2
Roy finds a way to save Lian and his friends, and Lian is the real Lian, and she remains alive at the end.  This resonated.  It's a keeper.

Convergence: Speed Force 2
This has a very flat, cartoony, style of art. It's not what I'm used to, but I can't tell if I think if it's bad, or if it's just different.  Reading it, I have trouble accepting this Flashpoint Wonder Woman.  She's too far away from the Diana I am used to.  Irey seems to have some sort of torso muscles, which is strange, given her age.  I think I thought this issue was nice enough, but it's not really got anything memorable in it.  I liked the first issue though, so I'll probably keep this.

Convergence: Harley Quinn 2
This was fun.  Harley tells Cap'n Carrot she has super fists, scorch vision, canary scream, awesome-portation and a magic hammer stolen from the Gods.  He believes her, because who lies about having super powers?  This plan backfires but it all turns out well in the end, and Harley is reunited with ivy and Selina.  But doesn't go back to her fella.

Convergence: Batgirl 2
Steph and Tim seemed out of character in this.  Tim says that he ignored her for the last year because she was no longer Batgirl. Now she is suited up again, he's interested again.  She gets annoyed at this, but then takes him back.  I prefer to think that Steph has more self respect than that, and that Tim isn't such a dick.  Possibly keeping for nostalgia reasons.

Convergence: Nightwing and Oracle: 2
This was good.  I really like the design of the Hawks, and Black Canary shows up.  The Hawks get defeated and are offered the chance to live in this Gotham, curating their culture.  That's how heroism works.  Then Babs and Dick get hitched and we see the second ever good comic book wedding dress.  The first was Canary's when she married Green Arrow, FYI.  These 2 issues are keepers.

One thing that I realised during this week's comics, is that the fights between champions aren't to the death.  I had assumed they were, but I don't think Telos ever stated that.  He just said one champion must be defeated.

I didn't read many of the divergent previews.  I doubt I'll be getting many of them.

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 27 weeks 4 days

Today has been difficult.

I had my glucose tolerance test at the hospital which was OK actually.  Lucozade isn't as bad as I thought.  What you do is not eat from midnight the night before, arrive at 9am ish, have a blood sample taken, drink 410 mls of lucozade, an hour later have another blood sample taken, and an hour later have a third blood sample taken.  Then they test your bloods to see how well you are processing sugar and determine whether you have gestational diabetes or not.  Diabetes when pregnant is bad as if it's not controlled and kept an eye on it can at worst kill the baby.  Less horrific scenarios are the baby being much bigger than expected, which could make labour difficult so doctors might recommend a c -section.  If they do, it's helpful to remember that the c-section isn't the problem,  it's a solution that will help preserve the mother's and the baby's health.

While waiting at the hospital I saw a lot of young babies...and pregnant women.... looking happy.. and it pains me.  Saw some other kids on the weekend and that pained me too.  I'm glad there are healthy kids in the world, I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone, but all I wanted today was to cuddle a baby and cry into them, but I can't do that to a stranger's kid, because I'll look like a nutter.  I just want my son.  He'd be about 11 months old now.  I could look up child development month by month by I won't, because that will just hurt.  So that means I don't know what he'd be like about now.

I'm trying to make an appointment with the physio to look at my pelvic girdle pain.

I saw the Avengers Age of Ultron film on the weekend and enjoyed it..then on twitter today people are being pissy about it because of Black Widow's infertility storyline, which you can read about here, including my response.  It seems to me that people complaining about it aren't those who are actually infertile, or those whose bodies have failed their babies, or potential babies.  It strikes me that most people complaining about it want to see Natasha representing all women, whereas it's clear to me that she's not and what we are actually seeing is her perception of herself, where I can completely understand that her sterilisation means that she sees herself as monster.

If you are not infertile, or if you are childless through choice, you don't get to claim that her portrayal hurts women, because it is NOT your fucking story to tell.  Not all stories have to be about you.

I think I'm getting more scared of labour.  Last year, when everything was so fresh, I couldn't give a toss about labour.  It was hard work, it hurt one hell of a lot, but it didn't scare me.  Now I'm getting scared.  It has to be done, and it will hurt, but induction will be different because this one will be live and I don't know how to manage this or what to expect.  I need to talk to my doctors and midwives about it.

Convergence week 1

I'm getting them all!  Reviews upcoming. With spoilers.  You have been warned.  Danger Club 8 I will leave until I have the second alternate ending,

Convergence 1
I think this is mostly the mean heroes from Earth 2, with a Grayson who was married to Barbara Gordon,  Their world has been destroyed and Telos is setting the scene for the fights.   I guess not all these heroes are mean.  Young Jay Garrick, Black Superman and Gay Alan Scott are here.  Fairly enjoyable.

These tie ins are all from the post millenium years, post Final Crisis, probably set in the years just before Flashpoint happened.  Which year, I'm not entirely sure,

Convergence: Batgirl 1
Steph has been chosen as fighter for her Gotham. She fights Catman and then Gorilla Grodd. Oh dear, she's not that good.  We get to see how Steph has spent her year under the dome which was pretty good, although I'm not sure I buy Steph being so happy out of costume.  However there is lots of Cass and TimRobin too. :)

Convergence Justice League 1
The lady Justice League are in Gotham for Jesse Quick's baby shower, which turns into her labour.  For some reason she is put on a stretcher when she gets to hospital.  I can't help thinking she'd be better walking, she doesn't look in that much pain.  Maybe they do things differently in the States,  I really like the art on the first couple of pages where Supergirl is rushing Jess to hospital.

Mera is sad about not having Arthur around (fair play, she's essentially grieving and we all have bad and good days) and then Flashpoint Arthur kidnaps her.  I don't mind Flashpoint Arthur when he's one of several options of Arthur.  I'm not sure I buy Mera not fighting back more when he kidnaps her though.  One punch doesn't seem enough for the level of thuggery he showed.

Convergence: Harley Quinn 1
The cover for this is atrocious.  It's a bad imitation of one of the Gotham City Sirens covers.  Over the year Harley has recovered and is relatively stable, with a normal, loving boyfriend.  Then she is chosen to be this Gotham's champion so Selina and the newly repowered Ivy decides Harley needs her old mania and athletic abilities back, so they drug her.  And she reverts back to the old  Harley.  This makes it a pretty sad issue as she was happy before. :(

Convergence: Superman 1
Here we have a heroic, likeable Superman and Lois, as a couple, loving each other, being good people, in Gotham.  By this point I was starting to think this series was going to be set in all the Gothams, because DC has a constant Bat shaped hard on.  It's getting a bit tedious,

But, then Lois is pregnant!  I really liked this issue, I miss these guys,  Flashpoint Kal, Captain Marvel Lantern and Cyborg turn up and start causing problems.  Flashpoint Bats (Thomas Wayne) wonders what the implications are for Bruce, if this other world exists.

Convergence Batman and Robin 1
Ivy is running Gotham Park, growing produce for everyone in her Gotham.  What is unclear is if she has powers while the dome is up. the costume says yes, the rest of the issues say no.  Bruce and Damian have father-son issues and Jason turns up to confuse things.  Then the Extremists arrive to fight,  I'm not sure who they have to fight, but I guess the Bat posse will want to get involved.

Convergence: Speed Force 1
The font for the cover's title is awful.  Irey and Jai look a bit old on the cover, which is a shame,  Wally, Irey and Jai are trapped in Gotham, separate from Linda.  The dome comes down and they get repowered and Wally decides to go to the world of the Justice Riders (which is a great Elseworlds book) and he drags the kids with him in the speed force.  Then he runs through the different worlds (a fun way to see them) and a cartoon duck (?) speedster catches up with him.  And Flashpoint Wonder Woman turns up to fight.  This was another good issue, tho I expect that I like it for the nostalgia as much as the writing.

Convergence: The Question 1
This is a comic about Renee, Two Face and Helena Bertinelli.  It's written by Greg Rucka.  Of course it's good.  I won't spoil it, i'll just urge you to buy it.

Convergence: The Atom 1
Ray Palmer is the Atom but his tech has gone on the wonk and now only his hand enlarges,  The rest of the Gothamites think of him as a street crazy.  Palmer is desperate to find Slade Wilson and settle old scores, but the dome gets lifted and he gets transported elsewhere to fight Baracuda from the Extremists.  Then it turns out the voice in his head is Ryan Choi, I think.  This was OK, a bit strange, but OK.

Convergence: The Titans 1
Ok. all I remember from this is that Roy gets the chance to have his daughter back and he'll do anything, including kill other heroes, to get her back.  This struck a chord.  I can't put myself in that situation because it's impossible and I will never get my son back (and how it hurts to type that) but I will not call Roy a villain for doing so.

Convergence: Nightwing and Oracle 1
I love seeing these two together.  For some reason Ivy is in her costume, even though she's meant to be depowered under the dome.  Perhaps this is a different Gotham?  I have lost track of which of these issues are set from different universes.  If anyone can point me to a guide to the universes and the Gothams that would be good.
Babs and Dick fight the Hawks, and Sheira's costume design is gorgeous.

Overall I quite enjoyed this weeks comics.  Good fun, even if it doesn't make a lot of sense.  It's not always clear how the heroes know who they have to fight, which is a shame.

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 24 weeks 2 days

If I was doing sub sub titles for these posts I'd call this one something like 'When do the excuses wear thin' or 'When do you have to just start sucking it up'.

I'm not great to my family (parents and sister).  I can be a right snotty toerag.  Always have been.  My family have a complex history and I'm unable to let things go, as much as I try.  This last year hasn't improved my mood.  Consequently I hold them to a higher account than I do anyone else, and am more likely to be stroppy with them than anyone else.

Part of this is because I think that I should be able to be honest with my family as I spend so much time modifying what I say and do to others, and so much time explaining stuff to others.  I think my family should just get it whereas I wouldn't expect anyone else (who hasn't lost a child) to get it.  Part of it is probably also because I know I won't drive my family off by being a snotty toerag.  Which is pretty shit for them, but does, I suppose, demonstrate that I have a high level of trust in them.  Of course they won't know this, which is where my reasoning and excuses fail, spectacularly.

Because I hold them to this (unknowable in their minds) high standard over the past year they have hurt me deeply on a few times, but on the other hand, they have also been absolutely great.  I don't doubt that some of the pain comes from where I was on that particular day, so isn't necessarily about them, but is about me.

But back to the potential sub sub heading of this post.
 'When do the excuses wear thin' or 'When do you have to just start sucking it up'.

Some people may be horrified to read these, thinking 'your baby isn't an excuse!' or You never have to suck it up and accept his death!' and they'd be right.  But at some point you stop puddling into emotion at every little thing (prolly not the big things though) and you need to start seeing other people, and other babies and just dealing with them and difficult situations.

I remember reading a post on Knocked up, knocked down last year which resonated, even in those horrific early months.  The writer lost her son at nearly full term and she had a couple of best friends who were pregnant at the same time and gestation as her.  She'd avoided the kids' birthdays for 2 or 3 years, and then her friend sat her down and said something along the lines of "Come on, I know you're hurting, I know you miss your son, I know everything feels like shit, but you can't avoid these kids forever, I want you to be a part of their life (and mine) and you need to suck it up and come to the birthday party".  And the writer did, and although she was sad she did enjoy the day.

Now I'm not saying this approach works at all times and for all people.  If the wrong person said it to me I'd give them such a cutting stare and a verbal lashing.  But I think the point about not hiding yourself away and doing normal life things is valid.  How long can I avoid seeing family just because it hurts to be reminded of who I've lost.  How long can I get away with being a ratty snotbag.  Is there a time when it's not just grief and it's actually just me being vile.

I'm not saying I'm there yet, that I can just suck it up and put on a good face, and put up with other people's good intentions.  But I think there's a danger of being consumed by the fear and the pain and not seeing a way out off this pit of horribleness.  I don't want that to happen.  I think that I can love C and miss him (more than I can bear if I stopped to focus) and I can still get some enjoyment out of things and still love this new baby.

Being pregnant again complicates all this a thousandfold.  It could be that I'm feeling positive today because I've hit 24 weeks and feel pretty invincible right now (push away all the thoughts of things that can go wrong).  I kind of want to write about the complication of feeling around C and this new baby, but I can't, or won't, because it won't be right and it's too personal and a whole mess of other things you won't get unless you are in my situation.

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 23 weeks 0 days

Some people are really, very kind.

I've been away for a few days with work, on the continent.  It was a tiring few days, these things always are, and being away from my hospital and medical team was making me anxious.  This translated into me feeling fewer movements than normal, and left me concerned.  I got back into Liverpool Street station to come home and rang the midwifery team, who first advised me to ring delivery suite, at which point I broke down and said I just couldn't, and explained why.  The thought of having to go to delivery suite to check this baby's heartbeat is more horrifying than I can ever explain.  Whilst I know I'll have to do it at some point I don't want to do it now, at just 23 weeks. They agreed to get a community midwife to ring me back, which I could cope with.

At the end of the call a perfect stranger came up to me, in the station, in London mind, and asked if she could help, or if I was OK, or something.  She said I looked distressed.  I was sobbing.  I was scared of telling her why I was upset because I didn't know how she'd react.  She was fine.  She was ever so kind.  She offered to sit with me till my train came.  She offered her sympathies.  She asked me questions to get me focusing on something else.  She asked if I wanted to go to another hospital now (I didn't, I only trust my local team).  She didn't press me to explain things when I wasn't clear.  She stood there and she listened and she gave me the support I needed at that time.  I am ever so grateful to her.

On the train I was on the Sands forum begging for help from the other members, who were calming and talked me down, enough so that I managed the two hour journey home.

The community midwife came to our house at about midnight and checked the heartbeat, and it's fine.  Strong and clear and regular.  I talked through some of my fears and she listened, and reassured me.

I couldn't get through this without other people's support, I'm not sure if I can get through it anyway, but the kindness of strangers blows me away, every time.

Flash graphic

Someone pointed me to this a little while ago when I was having a bad day.  I think the image motivates me more than the words to be honest.

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 21 weeks 0 days

The last week and a bit has been absolutely horrendous.  When I went in for the 19 weeks heartbeat check it took her ages to find it.  Then I went down to LSCC on Saturday, which was mostly really good fun but also felt strange as last year I was there pregnant with C so it got a bit emotional at times.  Also saw my (pregnant) sister afterwards and we talked about family stuff, well I ranted, and stuff has stayed with me since then.

Then Sunday was Mother's Day which was absolutely godawful.  Then Monday was also awful so I didn't go into work as I wasn't functioning very well (and it's been a long time since I was not functioning).  Went into work on Tuesday through to Thursday, and gradually got better throughout the week.

Had another heartbeat check on Wednesday, again it took her a while to find it, but I was a lot calmer because the baby was moving just before I went in.  Thursday was the 20 week scan and everything is fine, but the scan wasn't nice and my brain was refusing to make sense of what I saw on screen.  I cried through a lot of it.

Physically my back, hips and shoulders hurt.  I think this is mostly due to sleeping with the wrong sort of pillows though.  It's a constant experiment.

In my last post I said I was going to call the midwife to ask about a bit of pain - I didn't. I'm scared to. I spoke to her about it when I saw her on Wednesday.  She said the real emergencies, and when I need to ring delivery suite are if I have reduced movement, bleeding, extensive pain, my waters break or I feel really unwell.  Anything else I ring her.

I may write up my my notes from the consultant meeting after the 20 week scan and post them here.

16 weeks to go.

Making a Linda Danvers Supergirl costume - why Linda?

In case you aren't familiar this is her:

She is my blogspot avatar.  She is not Kryptonian, she is an earth girl who was merged with the then Supergirl, also not Kryptonian.  The series was written by Peter David with art by various people.  The two images above are pencilled by Ed Benes.  I reviewed the book these panels came from on New readers...start here! a few years ago.

I adore this costume.  Always have done and have always wanted to make it, but was concerned about wearing a crop top.  So this year I figured why not make it maternity style.  In the final trade (Many Happy Returns) Linda does get pregnant, and she has a daughter, and then due to universe shenanigans loses her daughter in the process of saving the universe.

When I first read the story I never got it.  I didn't understand Linda's emotions, I didn't understand the big deal and I knew that the finale was out of my grasp.  I know now that is because I didn't have the experience or maturity to get it. Obviously I now do.  When I re-read this run in full over last summer I got it, in full.  It was a comfort to see Linda's raw grief laid out in front of me like that, and it is one of the strongest and most relatable portrayals I have seen.  The creative team - Peter David, Ed Benes, Alex Lei (inks), Brad Anderson (colours) and Comicraft (letters) created something very personal and very affecting and I am very grateful to have it and to be able to read it.

Anyway, due to my love of Linda's costume, the fact that I think we have something in common, the fact that it seemed a do-able costume to pull together (and I sure as hell didn't want to wear my Aquaman one again - repeating last year in it's entirety does not feel right), I opted for bringing together this outfit for London Super Comic Con 2015.  Here's what it looked like:

I am really pleased with it!
I bought the gloves, skirt and boots off ebay. I am also wearing a blue alice band but you can't really see it in the picture.  The white t-shirt I already owned but I put the black bands on the sleeves and hem, and I made the shield.  I had help with the sewing and I had to do the shield twice.  I will explain in a later post about how I did the black bands and the shield, but for now I will admire my handiwork.  I'm very proud.

The skirt is a maternity skirt - I'm amazed I could find a blue lycra one, let alone in the right shade of blue.  Most maternity skirts are flowy and knee length, rather dowdy,  I hate maternity clothes.  Whereas this one was pretty darn perfect.  I had to pull it up so the top of it sat next to my bra, but that worked out fine because the white t-shirt is rather see through otherwise.

The gloves are elbow length ones that are folded over to be wrist length.  I should really have sewn them up so they were at the right length, but I didn't think of that until I was at the con.  I may shorten them when I wear the costume again.

I was wearing very see through maternity tights from Marks and Spencer - they're bloody great!  They are the only pair of mat tights I've found that don't fall down!  I love them.

The red boots aren't exactly right but I had these from my Supergirl and Wonder Woman outfits from Thought Bubble last year and didn't want to buy another pair.

I didn't make a cape because I feel silly in them.  In my next post I shall talk about how to do the t-shirt.  It will be from the point of view of someone who has never done this sort of thing before..

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 16 weeks 5 days

Had another midwife appointment today.  She found the heartbeat really quickly, and kept with it.  I'm so relieved.  It sounded like a galloping horse.

It's been a rough week.  Friday to Sunday was just bad.  Monday and Tuesday was OK, but I've had terrible shoulders and neck.  So stiff and inflamed.  I've worked out pillows to support me on the sofa in bed and on my office chair but it's not perfect.  I use my body length u shaped pillow when lying down on the sofa, my dream genii lite one in bed to support my back along with one between my legs and a v shaped one at work on my chair.

I also sit on my exercise ball which helps get my pelvis into a better position and vastly reduces my pelvis pain.  My pelvic girdle pain is likely to get worse the further along I get so I need to do what I can to relieve it now.  My osteopath checked my pubic bone and that's not separating yet so that's good.  I'm sure I've heard my hips clicking and grinding though.  That's pretty rough.  Walking makes my pubic bone and pelvic girdle area hurt, which is shitty, to say the least.  I'll just need to make sure I get the bus more often.

As for movements, they are there, not very often, but they are there.  They aren't as definite as they were at 14 + 4/5/6 when I first felt them, but they are there.  They'll get stronger.

I slept for 12 hours last night.  I've also been hungrier the last couple of days so I figure it's going through a growth spurt.  I remember this with C.  I've checked photos from last time and I'm about the same now as I was at roughly 22 weeks.  I don't feel very big though.  I'm still half convinced it's just fat from too many pies.

Having said I slept for 12 hours, over the last few weeks I have been less tired, so I guess it's that second tri energy boost that I thought was a myth.  I haven't been nauseous for a few weeks either.  That's nice.  Can't quite believe I'm nearly 17 weeks.. that's almost halfway there.. every day everything is fine is a good day.

I also think that I've started warming up.  I haven't been *really* cold in about a week or so, and I don't think the weather has changed that much.

Today is a better day.  Or at least it is since my appointment.  This morning I was super anxious.  I had to go into town and couldn't face going to familiar places to do some food shopping, so went and had lunch instead which distracted me.  I think it will be like this every time before an appointment, which is one reason why I hate having appointments.  I need them, I need to go, but I hate the build up beforehand.

I told my midwife about some weird stomach pains I've had - just two, on different days and lasting for no more than a minute.  She said it's nothing to worry about. Could be gas, could be my body just being pregnant.  I said I didn't want to ring up the midwives because at this stage, if there's something wrong they can't do anything and I'd rather not know.  I kind of just want to bury my head in the sand until 21/22 weeks when they can do something.  I feel so guilty about this, like it will lead to this rainbow dying.  If I got bleeding or sustained, repeated cramping or pain that lasted more than half an hour, I would ring the midwives, but if it's less than that I want to ignore it.  My midwife said that attitude is fine.  It's not a wrong way to behave or think.  So I feel less reprehensible now.

This is so damn hard.  I still hate seeing newborns, or babies that are about the age C would have been.  A woman at work brought her new baby (maybe 4 months?) in last week,  Thankfully I was in a meeting so didn't have to see her, but it nearly broke me anyway.  I cannot believe that no one told me she would be coming in.  Just because I am pregnant again does not mean I am OK.  It does not make C's death any easier.  Having a rainbow gives me a reason to live.  It does not mean my son is less important, or that things are less painful.  I cannot believe I have to write this out and that people don't automatically know it.  Thankfully my immediate team at work are really understanding and are happy to shield me from things when they can.  I will be forever grateful for that.  But it doesn't stop it hurting.

I have some Imbolc decorations up

I have made a concession to it being Imbolc today and I have decorated our corn dolly with the seasonal colours:

I am also eating sheep's cheese with dinner tonight. This is progress. My mood may have dipped the last few weeks but my willingness to mark this festival clearly shows I am feeling a *bit* more positive. I guess it's good to find joy in some things.