Monday, July 06, 2015

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 36 weeks 3 days

Over the last day or so my moods are very changeable and filled with anxiety. I only feel safe at the hospital. I'm terrified of labour and the few days between now and induction. I have a sweep booked for 2 days before induction and that terrifies me too. I think I've put off grieving for C over the last 9 months and I think his loss is going to hit me like a ton of bricks once I've had this baby and I am now longer pregnant.

I have finally got a prescription for antedepressants for use as soon as I have had the baby and instructions to go see the GP in my second week home, as well as utilise the community midwife and health visitor as much as possible. Apparently paroxetine takes a couple of weeks to kick in for depression and 12 weeks to kick in for anxiety. I don't understand why, but I guess it's because different parts of the brain are affected by depression and anxiety. I just need a crutch to help me cope and keep me caring.

I feel like a burden, like I should be more capable, more calm, more excited. Instead I feel like a liability and I don't trust my own judgement.

When people talk to me about how to look after a newborn I feel a massive sense of rage and bitterness. I can do pregnancy and labour talk, because it makes me feel included, but I can't cope with people telling me how much care newborns need or how much you worry about babies when they're out. Like I'm not worrying now, like they aren't real inside you or like they are safe inside you.

People saying 'you'll learn' as if i'm thinking caring for a newborn will be a doddle, make me really angry.  No one has recently said anything about how hard it is with a newborn. If anyone was to say anything I think i'd flip, because it can't possibly be harder than not having your baby. To imagine that I won't be as worried as every other imagine I won't be more worried... I had baby resuscitation training last Friday.  Other parents prefer to stick their head in the sand and assume it won't be needed..I know better.  I'm trying as best I can and I don't think it will ever be enough to save this one.

No comments: