Thursday, May 07, 2015

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 27 weeks 4 days

Today has been difficult.

I had my glucose tolerance test at the hospital which was OK actually.  Lucozade isn't as bad as I thought.  What you do is not eat from midnight the night before, arrive at 9am ish, have a blood sample taken, drink 410 mls of lucozade, an hour later have another blood sample taken, and an hour later have a third blood sample taken.  Then they test your bloods to see how well you are processing sugar and determine whether you have gestational diabetes or not.  Diabetes when pregnant is bad as if it's not controlled and kept an eye on it can at worst kill the baby.  Less horrific scenarios are the baby being much bigger than expected, which could make labour difficult so doctors might recommend a c -section.  If they do, it's helpful to remember that the c-section isn't the problem,  it's a solution that will help preserve the mother's and the baby's health.

While waiting at the hospital I saw a lot of young babies...and pregnant women.... looking happy.. and it pains me.  Saw some other kids on the weekend and that pained me too.  I'm glad there are healthy kids in the world, I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone, but all I wanted today was to cuddle a baby and cry into them, but I can't do that to a stranger's kid, because I'll look like a nutter.  I just want my son.  He'd be about 11 months old now.  I could look up child development month by month by I won't, because that will just hurt.  So that means I don't know what he'd be like about now.

I'm trying to make an appointment with the physio to look at my pelvic girdle pain.

I saw the Avengers Age of Ultron film on the weekend and enjoyed it..then on twitter today people are being pissy about it because of Black Widow's infertility storyline, which you can read about here, including my response.  It seems to me that people complaining about it aren't those who are actually infertile, or those whose bodies have failed their babies, or potential babies.  It strikes me that most people complaining about it want to see Natasha representing all women, whereas it's clear to me that she's not and what we are actually seeing is her perception of herself, where I can completely understand that her sterilisation means that she sees herself as monster.

If you are not infertile, or if you are childless through choice, you don't get to claim that her portrayal hurts women, because it is NOT your fucking story to tell.  Not all stories have to be about you.

I think I'm getting more scared of labour.  Last year, when everything was so fresh, I couldn't give a toss about labour.  It was hard work, it hurt one hell of a lot, but it didn't scare me.  Now I'm getting scared.  It has to be done, and it will hurt, but induction will be different because this one will be live and I don't know how to manage this or what to expect.  I need to talk to my doctors and midwives about it.


Anonymous said...

I'm really really sorry today was rough.

For what it's worth, I agree with you that unless somebody has walked the path of infertility or loss they just do not understand or have any basis to make broad statements.

Natasha in the movie was mourning her loss. While I thought the scene was poorly written, I also thought this was a recurring theme for all the Avengers. Steve lost his dream of family when he lost Agent Carter to time. Bruce lost his when he was exposed to the radiation. Natasha lost hers before she even understood what was going on. Tony is just a mess and his brain child nearly destroyed the world. Hawkeye was the only one who had what the others wish for.

I felt Natasha saw herself as a monster not because she was infertile but because of what led up to her becoming infertile. The visuals show her about to kill somebody, she was a trained assassin. I think the sterilization contributes to her self loathing because it was something she felt she allowed to happen.

I will agree that too often than not society puts out the message that women need to have children to be fulfilled. I strongly disagree.

However as others have pointed out, the problem here is there are so few women in these kinds of roles that the few they are have to speak for *all* women which is impossible to do.

Natasha clearly envied Clint's family life and mourned the lack of her own.

Sorry! I went on and on there. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Sea-of-Green said...

Agreed. You can't have ANY one-size-fits-all situation for ANY group of human beings. Experiences are unique for every individual.