Pregnancy after stillbirth: 36 weeks 3 days

Over the last day or so my moods are very changeable and filled with anxiety. I only feel safe at the hospital. I'm terrified of labour and the few days between now and induction. I have a sweep booked for 2 days before induction and that terrifies me too. I think I've put off grieving for C over the last 9 months and I think his loss is going to hit me like a ton of bricks once I've had this baby and I am now longer pregnant.

I have finally got a prescription for antedepressants for use as soon as I have had the baby and instructions to go see the GP in my second week home, as well as utilise the community midwife and health visitor as much as possible. Apparently paroxetine takes a couple of weeks to kick in for depression and 12 weeks to kick in for anxiety. I don't understand why, but I guess it's because different parts of the brain are affected by depression and anxiety. I just need a crutch to help me cope and keep me caring.

I feel like a burden, like I should be more capable, more calm, more excited. Instead I feel like a liability and I don't trust my own judgement.

When people talk to me about how to look after a newborn I feel a massive sense of rage and bitterness. I can do pregnancy and labour talk, because it makes me feel included, but I can't cope with people telling me how much care newborns need or how much you worry about babies when they're out. Like I'm not worrying now, like they aren't real inside you or like they are safe inside you.

People saying 'you'll learn' as if i'm thinking caring for a newborn will be a doddle, make me really angry.  No one has recently said anything about how hard it is with a newborn. If anyone was to say anything I think i'd flip, because it can't possibly be harder than not having your baby. To imagine that I won't be as worried as every other parent...to imagine I won't be more worried... I had baby resuscitation training last Friday.  Other parents prefer to stick their head in the sand and assume it won't be needed..I know better.  I'm trying as best I can and I don't think it will ever be enough to save this one.

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 35 weeks 6 days and 35 week care plan

This meeting took place at 35+6, so practically 36 weeks, and a week before my planned induction at 37 weeks.

The scan showed that growth is fine, this will be a small baby, but the growth curve is looking reasonable.  Fluid levels and blood flow through the umbilical cord (measured by the doppler) are in the normal range.

We met with the registrar afterwards, not our named consultant, and I asked for reassurance about growth, whether it was worth bringing the induction date forward (to me, a few days won;t make any difference, surely?), getting a prescription for paroxetine (antidepressant) and about having a sweep a few days before induction.  The response:

Growth and induction date:  They are more concerned with the growth curve, the fluid levels and blood flow through umbilical cord than the size.  If growth had slowed, or remained static, or the other indicators weren't good, they'd bring delivery forward.  But they feel that everything is looking healthy so they would prefer induction to stay at 37+0, as it is planned.  If I notice any change in movements I need to come in immediately.  Like I need telling...

Obviously I'm super anxious about getting to the induction date so the registrar went and got the consultant and they did another scan, where they looked at the blood flow through the baby's brain, and that appeared to be at normal levels.  The consultant said that there is some evidence to show that in the last few weeks this is a more reliable indicator than the doppler blood flow checks, hence why he did it.

He said the evidence shows that we are at higher risk of another stillbirth, but if we deliver pre-term, i.e. before 37 weeks the baby is more likely to get into distress during labour which would lead to an emergency c-section.  Now I don't care about having a cesarean, but I do care about whether they can get to the baby in time.  He also said that if I were to come in 2 days early for induction I'd have to be on delivery suite, rather than the antenatal ward, and the thought of that makes me *extremely* panicky.  I am not willing to stay on delivery suite for 2 days or more to have this baby.  Fuck that with a capital F.  Also, if I was induced pre-term I could only come in if there was room in the nursery for the baby, in case they had difficulties post birth.

The upshot is that I have a provisional induction date for 36 + 5 but in all likelihood I'll keep my date as 37+0.  Unless I have an emotional breakdown between now and then.

Getting a prescription for paroxetine: Like the last registrar I saw she seemed surprised I was asking about this (despite it being in my notes) and said they would normally prescribe one of three other antidepressants.  I explained my reasoning and kept arguing with her until she agreed.  She then said they couldn't prescribe that at the hospital (contradicting what the registrar I saw at the 28 and 30 week scan said) and I would have to see my GP.  Which could be difficult as I can't make appointments in advance with my GP and I'm at the hospital every day until I get induced. Le sigh.  I'll work something out.

Sweep: She said I could have a sweep 2 days before induction which will hopefully make the induction process shorter.  As I'm not expressing colustrum fingers crossed induction won't take days and days.

I wasn't massively impressed with the registrar.  Our consultant took us through the reasoning behind his advice - the most up to date research, the implications, the risks, but she didn't.  She seemed put out when we listened to the consultant more than her and she told us that there were no guarantees this child would be OK, no matter what we did (i'm paraphrasing, I think her words were 'we can't guarantee anything).  You know what lady, we know that better than you!  I can feel it in my bones and we're living with the daily fear of this one dying.  You don't need to tell us nothing is guaranteed.  I don't want false reassurance, though I want facts.  It pisses me off that we have to push to get extra checks and better care and better explanations.

She also wrote nothing about paroxetine in my notes and nothing about the sweep.  I have been told, by my community midwife, that they cannot do a sweep unless it is written in my notes by a doctor.  So I have to go chase that up tomorrow at my scheduled CTG trace. *rage*

I had my last community midwife appointment 4 days ago.  It's my last one as I'm having daily CTGs now so I don't need both appointments.  It was with the one I saw at 12 weeks who I loathed.  She wasn't quite so offensive today, but she was still too excited for my taste,and beause she was running late she rushed me through everything, though she did answer all my questions.  I came out of the appointment pissed off.

I had my last osteopath appointment today, she was lovely.  She and my pilates teacher are getting a card once I've had the baby, they've been a bloody wonder over the last 9 or 10 months.

I've still got a range of stuff to buy and prep.  I need to get on that this weekend.

Parenthood after loss

I wrote this with the intention of submitting it to The F Word blog, but since writing it I haven't gathered up the guts to submit it, and since I'm due so soon I also can't handle the editing and feedback process as I'm getting rather stressed about what will happen over the next couple of weeks.  So I'm going to publish it here and ask The F Word to link back to it as part of their weekly round up.

Talking about stress, I think I might have another post in me about the physiological and mental effects of extended stress.

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What makes a mother?  Or a father?

I used to think that you became a parent once you'd given birth.  Once the baby was outside of the mother, and breathing.  But recent events have changed my opinion on this.

My first child died at full term, for no known reason.  According to conventional wisdom, I am not a parent as I have no child at home to care for.  According to conventional wisdom, the 8-9 months I grew him and carried him aren't enough to make me a mother.  From my pre-pregnancy understanding, once my son had died, I wasn't sure if we were still parents.  We had no physical, moving, breathing, child to show and talk about and cosset.  I have the evidence in my body that I carried him to full term - the stretch marks, the linea nigra, the post labour pains, the recovery period, the dodgy knees, the sore back.  Everything about my body screamed that I was a mother yet I was missing the vital proof.

Losing a baby is likely to be the most horrific experience a parent will ever go through, and denying their experience as parents is damaging.  I am still a mother even though my son isn't here.  I ate the right things, went to the ante-natal appointments, saved the scan photos, planned and decorated the nursery, bought all the right stuff, read all the right books and took as best care of him as I could.  If that's not being a mother what is?

Louise who runs the Duck in a Dress blog wrote about infertility and mothering sunday, and came to the conclusion that you become a parent when you feel like one.  I agree with this.  It might be when you discover you are pregnant, when you accept you are pregnant, when you have the first scan, feel the first movements, or when you have their baby in their arms.  Or it might be when you decide you desperately want kids.

Leigh Kendall over at Headspace Perspective recently wrote about whether she is a mummy blogger, given that her son lived for just 35 days.  Just because Hugo isn't with her now does that make her less of a parent, does that give her less of a right to be part of the parenting blogging circles?

Still Standing magazine has an article on just this subject, the writer argues that "a mother isn’t born when a child is born. A mother and father are born when the dream of a child is conceived".

I believe that it doesn't matter whether your child died due to a cord accident, placental failure, intrauterine growth restriction, pre-eclampsia or Hellp, or if their heart just stopped.  You are still a parent, if you want to be.  Even if you choose to have a termination for medical reasons you are a parent, making a decision in the best interests of your baby, the same way as parents of living children would decide whether to turn off life support should there be problems after the child is born (at age 1 or 26).

For those of us whose babies have died, if we are no longer parents, what does that say about our experiences of pregnancy and delivery?  If your baby dies in utero, after about 14 weeks, you still have to give birth, whether that is by labour or cesarean section.  The labour process is the same as that with a living child.  I know what the difference between early and active labour and I know what ring of fire refers to, and what it feels like to pass the placenta (gross, since you asked).

I think for second trimester losses, there is even more of an inclination to dismiss the baby as not real, and the parents as not parents, and that's damaging.  Baby loss parents have pregnancy symptoms and delivery stories, the same as every other mother out there, because it's the same process, but not if others don't recognise us as parents.  Not if they treat us, on later pregnancies, as first time parents.  Dismissing our children is a crushing experience.

We are still parents and it's about time the rest of the world recognised that.

Some notes:
Baby loss, through second trimester miscarriage, stillbirth (in the UK this is classified as death of a baby after 24 weeks gestation and prior to birth), is vastly unknown and misunderstood.  People think it doesn't happen, or that it's preventable, or that you'll get warning of it.  That's not always the case.  In 2013, over 5700 babies died just before, during or soon after birth.  That’s over 100 babies every week. Sometimes reasons are found, more often they are not.  Dealing with the death of a baby, whether you are the parent, other relative or a friend, is a hugely complicated and emotional thing to do.  If you then go on to become pregnant again, it's even more messy.  However there is support available:
Sands - providing support for those affected by late miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death, as well as promoting research around babies dying.  June is Sands awareness month, find out more here.
Tommys - funding research into stillbirth, premature birth and miscarriage, and providing information for parents.
Miscarriage Association - UK site giving information and support for all stages of miscarriage.
Movements advice from RCOG
Still Standing magazine - online magazine dealing with child loss and infertility

Get to know me questions

I'm bored and found this on tumblr so thought I'd do it here.  Cross channel memes, yeah.

1. If someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

Read - the Discworld books, particularly the witch and watch ones.  Supergirl: Many Happy Returns.  Elizabeth McCracken's An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination.  Alternatively, they could read this blog and New readers...start here!.

Watch - the Buffy telly show.  Listen to - 90s britpop, metal and punk albums, with a dash of Shampoo, 5ive and Steps.

2. Have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you?  if so, who?

No, but some of Terry Pratchett's creations make total utter sense to me - Granny Weatherwax and Vimes in particular.

3. List your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.

Discworld - Granny Weatherwax

DC comics - Linda Danvers Supergirl

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Tara

4. Do you like your name?  is there another name you think would fit you better?

I like my online name, I think it suits me just right.

5. Do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?

Wanky question.  Human being.  I identify myself by the things I am.

6. Are you religious/spiritual?

Not any more.

7. Do you care about your ethnicity?

I'm white.  No I don't care about it, I don;t need to care about it, I live in the UK and being white affords me the privilege to not have to care about it.

8.   What musical artists have you felt most connected to over your lifetime? 

Manic Street Preachers and the Wildhearts.

9. Are you artist?

I can do some origami and some crafty stuff.  I can put together costumes, following tutorials, but I don't think that makes me an artist.

10. Do you have a creed?

No

11. Describe your ideal day.

12. Dog person or cat person?

Kitties all the way.

13. inside or outdoors?

Both.  The home comforts of indoors with the freedom to go outdoors whenever I like.

14. Are you a musician?

Hell no.

15.  Five most influential books over your lifetime.

The Discworld series.  All 30 plus of them.

16. If  you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?

Nope.

17. Would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”?

Nope, my tumblr is just comic stuff that makes me happy.  My blog isn't all me either, it's what I choose to write about and put on here, but that's not all I am.

18. What's your patronus?

I found this definition of a patronus: The Patronus Charm is difficult, and many witches and wizards are unable to produce a full, corporeal Patronus, a guardian which generally takes the shape of the animal with whom they share the deepest affinity.

I have no idea what my patronus would be.  Something that likes pretty things but doesn't really exist, I guess.

19. Which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?
Hufflepuff - values hard work, patience, loyalty and fair play.

20. Would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else?
Of the list, Narnia.  Elsewhere, the Discworld.  I would like a world with narrativium.

21. Do you love easily?
No.

22. List the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order.
Checking for movements.
Thinking about my babies.
Thinking about my partner.
Thinking about my next set of appointments.
Thinking about my physical state.

23. How often would you want to see your family every year?
Discounting my partner and kids, I can happily see family just every few months, with a bit of contact over phone, email or skype between that.

24.  Have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone?
Don't be ridiculous.

25. Could you live as a hermit?
With adequate maternity care, yes.  So perhaps I mean no.

26.  How would you describe your gender/sexuality?
Gender - female, but had my life gone a different way I can see how I would have become more masculine identified, but never male identified.
Sexuality - bisexual.

27. Do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”?
Well, I'm very visibly pregnant now so I look like a mother, so yeah, I guess?

28. On a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin?
Very, very easily.  I'm a moody bastard.

29. Three songs that you connect with right now.
I am not connecting with any songs right now.

30. Pick one of your favourite quotes.

"...And that's what your holy men discuss, is it?" [asked Granny Weatherwax.]"Not usually. There is a very interesting debate raging at the moment on the nature of sin. for example." [answered Mightily Oats.]"And what do they think? Against it, are they?""It's not as simple as that. It's not a black and white issue. There are so many shades of gray.""Nope.""Pardon?""There's no grays, only white that's got grubby. I'm surprised you don't know that. And sin, young man, is when you treat people like things. Including yourself. That's what sin is.""It's a lot more complicated than that--""No. It ain't. When people say things are a lot more complicated than that, they means they're getting worried that they won't like the truth. People as things, that's where it starts.""Oh, I'm sure there are worse crimes--""But they starts with thinking about people as things..."--from Carpe Jugulum, by Terry Pratchett.

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 33 week scan and a bit after

My 33 week scan went OK.  The baby is growing and blood flow etc is fine.  I agreed to being prescribed antidepressants after the birth as I think it's a good precaution.  They'll take a couple of weeks to kick in, so won't save me from the baby blues that I have been told kick in 3 or 4 days after birth, but they should stop me from giving up after that.  I have requested paroxetine as that seems safest for the baby, if I can breastfeed.  I'm planning to try to breastfeed, but if I can't I won't beat myself up about it (hopefully).  I'll get a carton of formula in just in case.  At least I know I can express colustrum so the baby will be alright for the first few days.

The day after the scan (at 34 weeks exactly) I decided I needed more checks, to keep my anxiety down.  So I booked CTG traces for that day, and more for the following week, with the end result that I have medical appointments (community midwife, growth scan, CTGs) booked for pretty much every day between that 34 week point and when I'm booked in for induction.

My mistake was in not making appointments for the weekend directly after the 34+0 point, because I spent that weekend super anxious.  Saturdays and Sundays have bad associations for me.  So now I'm going in on the remaining two weekend between now and induction, and conveniently enough CTGs on the weekend are done on the ward where I'll be induced.

I ended up having an emergency check at Delivery Suite (it's still vile visiting there) because the baby was moving far too much - increased movements are as concerning as decreased movements.  But at least when they are moving you know they are still alive.  Anyway, the check was a ctg trace and in total I was in there for 2.5 hours, which is pretty quick.

I'm now 35 + 1 and I went to the hospital today and it was pretty horrible walking into a new hospital setting, to a bay to be checked over.  I've never stayed in a hospital bay, but my partner did have a couple week stay a few years ago as he was hit by a car, and it wasn't a pleasant time.   The midwife who did the trace did tell me that for people in our situation they try to put us in a private room, which would be preferable.  However the private rooms may be being used by families in more dire need than us.  We'll see.

Physically, the baby is dropping and jeez I can feel it.  Actually I think the drop started a few weeks ago, I remember a day when I felt really heavy,  Since then I've been getting more groin pain, lower back aches and shoulder blade aches, and it's more difficult to get my legs and hips comfortable at night.  I have woken up with pins and needles in the arm I've been lying on, and it can take a couple of hours for them to stop.  My knee is playing up again.  There's a muscle on the side where it gets swollen and is painful to bend.  I think my foot arches have fallen even more as my feet ache in a new way when I walk.  When I leave the house in the morning, to go 10 minutes to the bus stop, my calves are awfully tight and I can't walk at any speed, it's pathetic.  However I'm not getting cramps at night, thankfully.  This hot weather is a shit because my feet heat up ridiculously, but at least they aren't that swollen. I guess that's all the water I drink and the sandals I'm wearing.

I've finished work now, and that's really helped with the physical stuff and my anxiety.

I can see the baby wriggling away under my belly, it's reassuring.  Even the thumps in the groin and the shifts onto my bladder are reassuring.  I got to show a friend the movements in my belly the other day, and she got to feel the baby too.  I'm glad I could show her.

Let's write up some comics

This week I bought and read this lot:

Black Canary 1
Much more interesting than I thought it would be from the preview.  It doesn't really feel like my Dinah though, but I guess I'm looking for a Dinah in her 30s ready to settle down with Ollie (who to be fair would never be a rock star).  So this version not feeling like her isn't a criticism.  It is a good comic.  The only thing that pulled me out of it was that I don't buy her wearing her Canary outfit  on stage.  If they'd given her shorts or a skirt it would work much better.

Harley/Peej 1
This was a lot more fun than I expected.  I've been underwhelmed by Harley's main series but this was far better.  The two of them work well together. Unfortunately the cover is not Amanda Conner's finest hour.  The inks are rather heavy and it just doesn't flow very well.

Sensation Comics featuring Wonder Woman 11
Another bad cover,  Yeeuch.  Badly composed, badly pencilled, badly inked and badly coloured.  Inside is Jamal Igle's pencils which are much better but the inks are a bit too heavy handed.  The colours are OK.  Overall, this lacks the finesse of the Gates/Igle Supergirl work, but that's not Igle's fault.  In the issue Di goes to Africa to try to get two sides of a warring nation to reconcile.  It sounds a bit white saviour-ish doesn't it.  I don't think it comes across that way but I'm willing to listen to other opinions.

Princeless book 4 issue 1
The story is good but I hate the art.  The composition of the panels is good, the actions (and interaction) of the characters are good, but the style of faces, the inks and the colours are horrible.  It won't stop me buying this series, but if you do pick it up please be aware that this art is not indicative of the rest of the series' art!  And on the plus side, we do have killer squirrels:

Battleworld: Thors 1
I think I bought this for horse Thor.  It's OK.  I suspect it's more for Marvel aficionados than me.  It seems like a bit of an industry vanity project, and I mean that in the best way possible.

Battleworld: Runaways 1
The only actual Runaway in this is Molly Hayes.  The rest are mutants, Cloak and Dagger and some other randoms who I expect regular Marvel readers will know.  They are all attending a school to train them as Doom lackeys, or some such.  I tell you what, I do like the premise for Battleworld.  It works far better than Convergence, at least for these two titles.  This was a fun enough comic.  It also queered up Jubilee and Pixie, which was good to see:

Are they gay in the regular 616 universe?

Ms Marvel: Crushed (trade)
This is volume 3 of the current Ms Marvel run.  I really liked it, it's a good young adult comic about teenage crushes and the pitfalls that come with it, with added superpowers.  The only thing I didn't like was the thinly veiled lesson about consent.  It just seemed a bit too obvious to me, but maybe that's because I've been seeing this sort of stuff discussed for years and given where I am at the moment, I really could do with not having these conversations.  Quite frankly, I don't care.  That sounds awful doesn't it.  But I don't.  I'm concentrating on my pregnancy and everything else that requires energy, or passion can piss off.  So, I'm wondering who the teenage audience this is aimed at would take this lesson. If they don't find it too much, then I guess it's a good thing.

Batman: The Ring, The Arrow and The Bat
I've been meaning to get this for about 2 years.  Despite the name, it's a Green Arrow trade, not a Batman book.  The first story is Hal and Ollie meeting for the first time.  Hal is working for the government and doesn't realise he's being used, and Ollie is out for a good vigilante time, until he realises the wrongs being done, and then he gets all angry about it.  It's quite a quick change.  Hal and Ollie argue but end up friends.  Art is by Greg Land, before his porn tracing days.  If you like these two, and you like these trades, then you'll like this story.

The second story is Green Arrow and Batman meeting and working together for the first time.  There is lots of snark and one liners.  The villains in the story are stereotypical/generic Asian bad guys, which makes me wince, and plot development is a bit obvious, but apart from that, it's good fun.

I've also been watching Arrow season 1, and while I'm kinda enjoying it, it's a bit bloody miserable isn't it?  Oliver Queen enjoys life, but Ollie in Arrow doesn't.  Granted, he has just come back from the island and is traumatised, but by all accounts he doesn't get any happier over the seasons.  Le sigh.  I like the flashbacks to the island the best.  He looks and acts more like 'my' Ollie there.

Commissions by Princeless artists

I promised I'd put something up about this weeks ago, so here goes:

Ted Brandt and Rosy Higgins, the artists of the most recent Princeless volume, The Pirate Princess, (and who I interviewed here), are doing commissions.

They came up with this rather excellent way of showing their rates:

I've not seen a graphic quite like that before, and I think it's ace.  Consider asking them for a commission why don't you?

An alphabet of favourite words

I've been thinking about my favourite words and decided to come up with an alphabet of them.  These are words that I enjoy the sound of and enjoy forming with my mouth, not words that mean something.  My list will probably change from week to week so this is today's ideas.  Here we go:

Ambulatory
Bees
Clunge
Debris
Effie, Emberella
Feegle
Gezellig
Horatio
Imbibe, Intrepid
Jovial
Keel
Lung
Maelstrom
Nebulous
Oratory
Pickle
Quiver
Replete
Sunflower, Susurration
Trousers
Umberella
Vichyssoise
Waggle
Xenon
Yucca
Zlotys

Ten characters from literature

My old podcast mate, @feemcbee for you twitterers, put up a tumblr post listing ten characters from literature she's in love with.  So I decided to do the same.  I came up with six and then got stumped:

Superman
Black Canary
Green Arrow
Susan Sto Helit
Young Granny Weatherwax
Wonder Woman

I don't know who else I'd put on there.  Granny and Green Arrow are there because I like cocky bastards. Canary, Susan and Wondy I'm in awe of.  And Supes is, well he's Supes.  Who isn't a little in love in with him?  My first thought on seeing this list, was yeesh, I'm so gay.  Except I'm obviously not and then a little while later I thought ooh this could be seen as bi erasure by the self and then I started snoring because conversations like that bore me senseless nowadays.

Fee and I decided that comics totally count as literature.

Who would be on your list?

A few pages from Carpe Juggulum

Captain Marvel jumper.

Look at my new thing!

Pay attention to the lovely box it comes in.

This is it on, a size large I believe.

I got it from We Love Fine.  It was £40 (UK) for the jumper and postage, and then I got hit with a  nearly £20 customs fee, that included £8 payment to parcel force for paying the customs fee on behalf of me.  Bah.  Still, £60 isn't *too* bad.  It's a nicely made jumper too.

The Deed of Paksenarrion by Elizabeth Moon

I just finished reading books 2 and 3 of the Deed of Paksenarrion.  I found the first book (Sheepfarmer's Daughter) several years ago and really enjoyed it, as it's a female led military fantasy story.  The magic is few and far between and most of the book is about Paksennarion's military career, which consists of her joining a company of soldiers and getting trained up to private level.

Paks isn't a supremely talented soldier, she's good because she trains hard.  She's not the most popular in the company.  She's ordinary.  I liked this.  She's not the only woman there either.  If I remember correctly there is one scene where she's nearly raped, but the important thing is that it's not gratiutious and it's told from Paks' point of view. It's about her.  She's also in a relationship with another woman, without any fuss being made of it.  I like that too.

In the second book (Divided Allegiance), Pak's leaves the company because she's uncomfortable with the work they are hired to do, there's too much cruelty for her taste.  She agonises over what to do, because her life is with the company and she respects their leader, the Duke.  She gets permission to leave, and sets out on her own, encounters some elves, nearly gets killed, and ends up training to be a Girdsman.  Things go wrong, she gets tortured (but it's not sexual) she loses her courage, and leaves the safety of the Girdsman's Grange in search of work.  She remains her ordinary self and slowly recovers.

I like the ordinariness of her.  I like that these books are so focused on the military life, they feel grounded.  It's a good change from fluffy fantasy stories where the hero is a man and is destined to become the greatest in the land.  That's boring to me now.

The third book (Oath of Gold) falls down a bit for me, because by this time Paks has become a Paladin, an instrument of the Gods with special powers, and she is no longer ordinary, she even speaks differently.  So the appeal (for me) is lost a bit.  Nonetheless I finished it and enjoyed it, mostly.

I've just found out there are more books in Paks' world but gods almighty that is no an easy website to understand.  The wikipedia page is much more useful.  Interestingly, the wiki page includes the following information provided by Moon on the development and basic ideas for the series:

"Source material, as well as inspiration, for the Paksenarrion books might be of interest to some.  The various legal systems are taken from the following:

F. S. Lear's Treason in Roman and Germanic Law (specifically for the dwarf and gnome races), K. F. Drew's The Lombard Laws and The Burgundian Code, and other sources on medieval law, including a difficult-to-find translation of the Visigothic Code by A. Wilhelmsen.

The development of the Code of Gird derives from the development of "barbarian" legal codes adapting Roman Law, shifts in English law during and after the Norman Conquest, and the development of "human rights-based" changes in law in and following the Enlightenment.

Different city-states and nation-states were given different "balances" of the source material. Military history sources for both military science and military psychology included Herodotus, Xenophon, Thucydides, Caesar, and other classical sources, Conan Doyle's novel The White Company, Tuchman's A Distant Mirror, Sherman's Memoirs, and many others.

Village life and crafts, in outline and detail, are taken from multiple sources on medieval/early Renaissance crafts and life, including the Surtees Society's collection of historical sources for that period.

Further influences on the social and political aspects came from cultural anthropology sources. Historical sources suggesting the development of a paladin character ranged from Xenophon and Caesar (on the military side) and Plato, Aristotle, and Plutarch (for both military and general character consideration) to the "Chanson de Roland" and the Grail legends, with side journeys into other cultures (Scandinavian, Amerindian, Islamic).

The history of Christianity and especially the incorporation of local heroes into "saint" roles (Joan of Arc in France, others in many other Catholic countries) provided historical background for development of Paksenarrion, Gird, and other hero-saints in that fictional universe.

The inspiration for "doing a paladin right" was the definition of paladin outlined in the D&D game; the specific character of Paksenarrion derived from historical figures (including Joan of Arc) and a mix of individuals known to the author.

The specific character of Gird-farmer had roots in historical and fictional accounts of peasant/slave/worker uprisings; Gird-legend shared characteristics of several legendary (mythical and fictional) folk and religious heroes.

Questions explored in the books include the nature of the military mind, the character of the good soldier and the good commander, the essential characteristics of a hero and a paladin, the potential conflicts between what it takes to be a good soldier and what it takes to be a great hero, relationship between a paladin and his/her co-religionists (clergy, laity) and between a paladin and those not of the same belief, the source of a paladin's "commission" (e.g., who decides that someone is a paladin? how is that marked?), the essential characteristics of a hero-saint, the internal characteristics and outward influences that shape a hero-saint's actions and effects, the ways that subsequent generations redefine the meaning of earlier events and how that interpretation influences their actions."

I like that Moon has been so thorough in her research.  I think I might try and pick up some of the other books in Paks world.

Is it worth reading any of Moon's sci-fi stories?

Pregnancy after stillbirth: 33 weeks 3 days

I've been a bit quiet.  It's been a difficult few weeks and I've not had anything to say.  Then I realised a few days ago I'm now in the gearing up for labour period and the getting ready to look after a baby period.  Writing the latter part of that sentence makes me feel sick.

I've had conversations with my consultant/registrars about labour, and also with my midwife.  At my last midwife appointment she talked to me about skin to skin contact and how long the baby would be on me, and if I couldn't hold the baby then my partner will have to do skin to skin.  We get an hour alone with the baby then they come do the blood sugar checks and other checks that I can't remember.  Then she talked me through how to express colustrum and milk, using a knitted boob (a white boob, which made me wonder if they had black or indian boobs for mothers who are not white).  She told me to try practicing now, to get the hang of it.

She gave me a labour information pack, which includes a booklet on labour and birth.  I flicked through it and there's loads of pictures of sticky and cleaned up newborns.  I really wish someone would make packs for pregnancies after loss, preferably with no pictures, because our needs are *so* different to happy parents' needs.

I found this appointment pretty traumatic.  It brought back memories.  I didn't like it.  But I know that it has to be done.  We have to act like this baby is coming home with us.  All signs so far say that the baby is healthy.  I'm having weekly CTG traces and they are fine.  So I have to prepare.

I did try expressing, and it was really easy, which made me happy. I felt excited, for possibly the first time this pregnancy.  I feel like my body is working right.  At the moment I will only try for a couple of times a week, and for only a few minutes each time, because doing this can bring on labour.  So in the week and a half before my induction date I will do it properly, and consider saving and freezing the colustrum, in case I have trouble breastfeeding.  Although I'm not sure I can bring myself to freeze the colustrum, because if the baby dies having to chuck out the frozen colustrum will be worse than having to get rid of all the nappies, like we did last year.

I packed my hospital bag 6 weeks ago.  So far I have packed just stuff for me.  I was going to check and then list what I'd put in, but since having a quick look and adding some toiletries I decided that going through everything would be horrible.  So from memory, this is what I have packed, or intend to pack, for me:
A pyjama top made by Bravissimo with boob support, like these ones. A second one would probably be good.
Maternity pads
Breast pads
Pjyama bottoms.
3 pairs of pants (knickers for you Americans)
My travel maternity pillow.
Slippers
Socks x 3 pairs
Shampoo
Conditioner
Sponge
Soap
Toothbrush
Toothpaste

I need to add tea bags (hospital tea is crap and I'm fussy), snack bars, something to read (will load books on my kindle, induction might take while), a nursing bra (I have a fitting booked for 2 days before my induction date). I might add straws as it will be easier to drink from them than from a glass when I'm in active labour.  My phone and charger needs to be packed too.

If anyone has any thoughts on what else I should bring, please leave a comment.

I also need to include stuff for the baby, which is a horrible thought.  My midwife told me that to bring them home we need only a few things - vest, baby grow, cardigan, hat and a cellular blanket.

I refuse to go through C's clothes so I will have to grit my teeth and go into mothercare and buy some clothes of roughly the right size.  Edit - Marks and Spencer do a newborn starter pack that will do, and I can buy it online.
I might be able to use one of C's blankets though. Not sure about that yet. Edit - I'm using one of his.
We can order more stuff online once the baby is out.  I also need to pack nappies, a friend has saved newborn nappies for us so we don't have to go buy any.  Lansinoh needs to go in.  Shampoo, conditioner, soap, sponge for me.  Perhaps cotton wool balls to clean up baby poo.

On the physical side of things, I can no longer sit on my exercise ball for very long because my back muscles aren't up to it.  At night my hips can be incredibly painful, more than likely caused by ligaments relaxing which allow sacro-illac joints to move, which they normally don't do as they attach your pelvis to your spine.  They need to relax in pregnancy so you can get the baby out, but they cause havoc with your comfort levels.  Exercise (walking, cycling etc) makes it worse, but pelvis stabilising exercises like pilates improve it (even though I'm bloody terrible at pilates at the moment).  So to help me I have constructed more pillow support for my back, shoulder and neck, because lying on my hips is horrible, but lying flat on my back is not good for the baby or me (the baby and your uterus would press on a major artery and your lungs and then you can't breathe).

I've bought some bra extenders to try and make some underwear fit better, as I really don't want to buy something that is only going to fit for another 4 weeks.

On the anti-depressants, I talked to a friend who has taken a lot of drugs for mental health over the years, and after discussing things with her I think I have decided to ask for paroxteine to take immediately after labour (you know who you are, thank you).  The registrar said that they would keep me on them for 6 weeks, checking in on my mood to see if the dose needed to be adjusted and then wean me off them at 6 weeks, if needed.  I will have the GP, midwife and health visitor looking out for me so people will know if they cause me to go loopy.  And my partner will be at home for the first 4 weeks too.  I figure it's a good precautionary measure and I feel better having everything set up ready to go.

I get to meet my health visitor in a couple of weeks.  They usually visit at 36 weeks but I'm a special (batshit) case, so she's coming round at 34 weeks.

Comic reviews

I bought this lot this week:

Quite a change from the piles of Convergence stuff I have been getting.

Starfire 1 was very good. I think I'll continue getting this.  I am surprised to see Kori so clueless about earth stuff, but no matter, it's a good issue, skillfully done.

Batman/Superman 21 made me wince.   I have not got any interest in a grim Supes with moody inner dialogue.  He's not even expressing undiluted angry, he's just draining and the anger is self absorbed. He's bitter and resentful.  Supes can be angry, of course he can, but there's a world of difference between this anger and the anger of the pre 52 Superman.  It's not a fun thing to read.  I'll be cancelling this.

Harley Quinn 17 was OK.  It passes the time but I'm not too fussed about it, I think I'll cancel it.

28 week and 30 week care plan

28 weeks
This was a really hard week where I felt really, really low, and was concerned about my mental state.  Or about as concerned as I could be, given that I didn't care.  I mean, I can recognise when I'm not well and I can tell people that I'm not well.

So the scan was fine and the baby was fine.  The baby measures about the 20th percentile, which is in stark contrast to my bump, which measures the 90th or 100th centile (ish) but I am assured that  all is fine.  the sonographer wasn't going to do a doppler scan, but I said the consultant said I should have one.  So he did one, and the blood flow is right in the middle of the healthy range.

I didn't meet with my consultant, instead it was a senior registrar, but she was the right person for me to see at that time, as she was warm and friendly.  She suggested I take anti depressants either now or after I've given birth, as a preventative measure against post natal depression.  I was at risk of PND even before we lost C, so now I figure i'm doubly at risk.  She recommended fluoxetine (brand name prozac) or Citalopram as safe to take in pregnancy.  She also offered me a referral to the mental health team and psychiatrist but said all they'd do is prescribe me anti depressants and give me a number to call if I felt at crisis point.  My midwife can also refer me to the mental health team.

Once home, I found some info about these drugs:

http://www.drugs.com/pregnancy/fluoxetine.html

http://www.nhs.uk/medicine-guides/pa...ine=fluoxetine

http://www.nhs.uk/medicine-guides/pa...20hydrobromide

http://www.headmeds.org.uk/medicatio...and_everything

We changed my scans so I would have them at 30 weeks, 33, weeks and 35 weeks.  As I'm having them at week + 6 days this means I have one 1 week before induction.  I also booked weekly CTGs for those weeks when I'm not having scans.

She said that if the baby is breech or transverse at 35 or 36 weeks they'd give me steroids (2 injections 24 hours apart) and do a c-section just after 37 weeks.  When I go in they'll do a scan and if the baby has turned they'd give me the option for an induction.  If the pessaries for induction don't work (and we'll know if anything is happening within 48 hours)  they'll give me a c-section.  Both options I'm happy with.

I didn't go into work that afternoon.  I was too much of a mess.

Addendum - I ended up back at the hospital for an emergency CTG the following day, because I felt so awful I couldn't tell if the baby was moving properly or not.  It took me a couple of weeks to get back to feeling normal, but obviously my normal is not everyone else's normal, as I'm terrified of the baby dying overnight, so whenever I wake up I got to the toilet, drink a pint of water and lie awake till I feel enough movements to satisfy me.

30 weeks
The baby is fine and growing at the right rate.  This won't be a big baby, I don't think I can grow them big.

I saw the same registrar as before and we discussed post natal anti depressants again.  She got out the big book of drugs and looked up info for Citalopram and Paraoxteine (brand name seroxat).  More stuff seems to be known about paroxetine and it seems to be passed through to the breast milk more readily so I think I'm more keen on taking that.  She said that these drugs are considered so safe the neonatal doctors don't even want to know that the mother is taking them, as they see no side effects in the baby.  This is reassuring and means I can discount the info in the links above.

My notes from the meeting also say that we discussed induction, but I can't remember what we talked about.

Convergence week 8 (the final one!)

Man, I cannot believe I've managed to write about every single issue in this event.  I know some reviews have simply been 'I can't be arsed to write about this', but they are still words, about each and every comic.  Woo, go me, ect, ect.

Now to do the final week's batch.

Convergence: World's Finest 2
Not bad. The cartooning journalist is a high point, again.  Sir Justin is alright, but I prefer Sir Ystin from Paul Cornell's Demon Knights.  At least these guys are all heroes, acting heroically.  There's a couple of panels with Telos' giant hands too, which makes for a fun read,  Probably not a keeper though.
The We are Robin preview was dull.

Convergence: Justice Society of America 2
Also not bad.  The JSA are young again with all their powers, and easily defeat the enemy.  Then they lose their powers and get old again, giving us this panel:

This is not good art, because although the guys look marginally different (if you really look) you cannot tell who is who.

It's a shame, because the comic also has this crowd scene, which is a marvellous piece of comic art:

It was nice to see the old guys up and at it again, but I'm not sure whether this issue is worth keeping/  I def preferred Hawkman in the Convergence: Hawkman issues.

The preview is for Superman/Wonder Woman and it is violent and dull.  Supes looks rather like pre 52 Conner Kent and tells Diana he doesn't love her anymore.  I'm still not interested in this Truth storyline, despite Anj's praises for the first Greg Pak penned issue.  Sorry Anj, I'm just a cynic! Wondy has nice armour though.

Convergence: Action Comics 2
This was good, with a great Amanda Conner cover:

Seriously, how great is that?  Doesn't Peej look angry?  I love it.  Especially the stars around their feet. It's just really, really nicely designed.

The issue itself is also very strong.  Earth 2 (?) Peej (Kara) and Superman are fighting the Red Son universe Wonder Woman.  Lex Luthor is still bitter.  The characterisation for the Red Son characters are accurate and the two worlds are slotted together really nicely.  I really, really enjoyed this.  Keeper, obvs.

The back up preview is for Sinestro.  I flicked through it but didn't read it properly.

Convergence: Infinity Inc 2
The characters and setting for this comic feel so dated, yet I found myself enjoying it.  I'm not sure why, looking at the cover I can't quite recall what happened in it.  On reopening it I enjoy the sense of familiarity at the characters used, but it doesn't fill me with excitement.  Probably not a keeper then.

The backup is for Batgirl, which I'm already getting.  I didn't like the video game conceit of this preview, tho the art and plotting is good enough.

Convergence: Plastic Man and the Freedom Fighters 2
I'm still not understanding why Plas is with the Freedom Fighters.  But it reminds me that I did see this great Plastic Lady cosplay online today.
The Freedom Fighters look ridiculous, but that's not really what this comic is about.  It's about Plas stepping up and being a hero.  That makes this worth keeping, I think.

The backup preview is Harley Quinn.  Every month I enjoy the Harley comic, but I feel no affinity to it and no desire to keep it.  I pass it  on to a friend.  I cannot quite understand why it's so popular.

Convergence: Detective Comics 2
Earth 2 Huntress and Robin are up against Red Son Superman.  Supes doesn't want to fight but Huntress is all fists first, talk later.  Red Son Batman comes to their aid.  Like Action Comics, the characterisation of the Red Son Characters are spot on.  The art (and cover) is partly by Bill Sinkiewicz and it's wonderful. Def a keeper.

The preview is for the Flash, drawn by Brett Booth and it is ugly to look at.

Convergence: Booster Gold 2
I've lost track of which Booster this is.  Nevertheless, it's a fun issue until Booster turns into Waverider, which to my mind makes him far more serious with more gravitas than Booster should ever be given.  And the character design is stupid.  I'm going to keep the issue though.  The back up is for Earth 2: Society, with this terrible piece of Peej art:

I tweeted the picture and Escher Girls picked it up and will post it.  It's awful, in all sorts of ways.

Convergence: Crime Syndicate 2
I liked issue 1 far more than this.  This is mostly fights, coloured in a washed out palette that I can't decide if I like or not.  The Crime Syndicate are fighting Justice League Alpha, a future league from the 853rd century.  The character designs of Alpha WW and Alpha Aquaman are nice.  Alpha WW is the only left standing at the end of the issue.  I don't really care for this, it's uninspired, there's not passion.

The preview is for Cyborg and it's very new 52 ish.  Dull.

Convergence: Shazam 2
This comic is great.  It's homely.  It's like a bit warm hug, with thrills.  If you like Captain Marvel you should read it.

The preview is for Constantine, and although I don't know a lot about Constantine, I don't think the creators got his characters right.  I shan't be picking this up.

Convergence: Blue Beetle 2
I'm still baffled as to why Beetle is teaming up with Cap'n Shinypants and the Question.  They are fighting the Legion and there's misunderstandings galore and it looks like it's all going to pot, until Beetle and a Legionnaire hatch a plan and fool Telos into thinking one side has won.  Unlike the Crime Syndicate issue, this comic, full of costumed folk fighting, had soul in it.  Really good and definitely a keeper.

The preview was for Black Canary with art by Annie Wu.  It looks very nice, but it doesn't feel like 'my' Canary.  I've ordered issue 1 anyway.  I think this series won't last that long and if I don't get it I'll regret it.

Convergence 8
I did have a a lot of thoughts on this, mostly around the what the hell is happening variety, but it's been about 2 weeks since I read it and now I don't think I care.  I do like the choice of characters on the cover - Hal, pre Crisis Kara, Barry Allen, pre 52 Supes, Lois and son.  I think what has happened is that the first crisis may not have panned out the way we knew, Barry and Kara may still be alive, Clark, Lois and son are certainly alive somewhere, and Hal maybe didn't die.  All the earths referenced in Convergence and Multiversity are still around, or most of them anyway, and have continued to exist from when their relative timelines were last referenced in Convergence or Multiversity.  DC have said Convergence opens the doors for any and all stories to be told, continuity be hanged.  I don't think I'm really fussed about what happened. This is a dull story told with very little affection or love, but it did give us some cracking 2 issue minis.

Convergence week 7 (and a Sensation Comics)

On to the last two weeks of Convergence comics.  Reviews will be split into two posts.  Spoilers ahead.

Convergence 7
So we finally have some familiar and likeable heroes, boshing the bad guys.  There's a giant rocky triangle shaped thing with a face, disembodied arms and two curved extensions coming up by the side of his head.  I have no idea who he is.  Deimos is still around, causing trouble.  Apparently Demios is an existing character, not invented for this series.  He looks like Dr Strange,  I assume Telos was invented for this series.  I don't care about either,

I wonder what this main Convergence title would read like if read in one chunk.  From week to week, it's felt dull and by the numbers.  It's editorially driven and it doesn't feel like the creators care about the story, which is a shame because comics always read better when the creative team care about what they are doing.

Anyway, Deimos is destroyed, the chronal energy he was containing is released, triangular rock dude breaks apart and tells new 52 Supergirl and Superman that all of reality is breaking apart,  Nothing in this story has made me feel like this is a momentous occasion.  It just feels uninteresting.  I reviewed Zero Hour for New readers...start here recently, and even with all it's faults, that story felt like it existed on a grand scale and deserved my awe.  Convergence doesn't.  Flashpoint didn't either.

Convergence: The Adventures of Superman 2
Kal and Kara are in the Phantom Zone, fighting the Kryptonian criminals imprisoned there,  Kara knows she has to get Kal out so that he can fulfill his destiny in the first crisis, but he doesn't know about this and boots her out.    Kara thinks for a few seconds and contrives a way to pull Kal out, leaving the criminals behind.

Meanwhile Kamandi and his mates are trying to work out how to stop the ape army wanting to take over 'Greenwitch' - I guess this refers to an American Greenwich, not the London one. The Super cousins join in the fight and the apes actually think they can beat them. Ha.  The absolute certainty of the cousins and their skills is nice to read.  No second guessing, no tactics to hurt them, juts the knowledge and certainty that they will win, because why wouldn't they? Who could beat a pre crisis Kryptonian?  No one, that's who.  I loved this issue.  It's a keeper,

The preview is for Martian Manhunter.  I didn't like it and I don't think it does J'onn justice.  the story has a suspicious, dark tone and that's not what I'm keen on reading.

Convergence: Wonder Woman 2
Also a keeper.  Lovely, lovely art by Aaron Lopresti, Matt Banning, Tanya and Richard Horie and Tim Napolitano.  The character designs for the vampires are lovely too.  Diana is perfectly in character, heroic and a warrior,  She takes the time to talk to Athena to figure out her plan.  She's not fazed by the vampires.  She doesn't revel in her victory over them.  I want to be that sort of person.

The preview is for Secret Six but it's a different Secret Six to the pre 52 version.  I'm not interested in it.

Convergence: Hawkman 2
The Hawkguys are fighting giant bats and giant rats. Then they (Katar and Shay) get strapped to a giant rocket and Shayera frees them.  They work with the other Thanagarians to defeat the giant rodents and get a peak into the future - the first crisis.  Then they fly off into the light declaring their love for each other,
Possibly a keeper.

Convergence: Batman and the Outsiders 2
I don't care about this or the Batman Beyond preview in it.  To be got rid of.

Convergence: Swamp Thing 2
I realllly don't like how Swamp Thing speaks.  Pauses in sentences irritates me.  Swampy joins up with vampire Batman, and it turns out that this is a Batman I am interested in.  So clearly he dies at the end.  Interesting introduction to Swamp Thing, but not a keeper.

The preview is for Catwoman, I'm not interested.

Convergence: the New Teen Titans 2
These aren't my Titans and I've never cared for this era.  I can see why people like these issues, but they aren't for me.  The preview is for Robin Son of Batman.  It's an OK preview, but I won't be buying it.

Convergence: Flash 2
I am so bored of Barry Allen and this is a love letter to him.  The preview is for Suicide Squad, the new 52 more badass Squad.  I do not care.

Convergence: Superboy and the Legion of Super-heroes 2
This has Atomic Knights riding giant dalmations.  I know a winning idea when I see one.  Having said that, I think I preferred issue 1 to this.  I def preferred the art in issue 1.  Superboy does the heroic thing and the Knights don't fight the Legion.  I'll probably keep these issues, now I have discovered a fondness for the Legion.
The preview is for Teen Titans, which like most of the rest of DC's line, just doesn't interest me.

Convergence: Green Lantern Corps 2
This is not as much fun as issue 1, but still enjoyable.  Hal is being a bit stupid and using old fashioned ring constructs (hands etc) which is what I like to see.  John is John like and Guys is Guy like.  He steals Hercules' armour and then gets his ring recharged.  Good fun for Green Lantern fans.
The Gotham Academy preview shows what is probably a solid book, marketed at teens and reminds me of Gunnerkrigg Court webcomic.  As I've read Gunnerkrigg court I'm not interested in reading this.

Convergence: Justice League of America 2
Good fun for fans of this JLA team.  I guess it's nice to see Vibe, Vixen, Steel and Gypsy get credit for saving the day, even if it's Zee, J'onn and Arthur that really finished everything.
The Batman/Superman preview makes me want to cancel my standing order.

Sensation Comics featuring Wonder Woman 10
My head was full of Convergence when I read this so I don't think I appreciated it enough. I think this book is aimed at readers who want to see Diana in explicitly feminist stories, so I think it will turn a lot of people off.  For me though, it's great.  Especially with the backup story being mythological.  It's these books that make me want to cancel my in continuity titles and just get the standalones.  They are so much better,

Robot Cheetah

There are times when I'm very proud of humanity and what we can achieve.  This is one of those times.

The language of grief

Saudade' (Portuguese) - the love that remains after after someone is gone. It can describe an emptiness, like feeling the absence of someone who should be there at a particular moment. It brings sad and happy feelings all together, sadness for missing and happiness for having experienced the feeling.

'Han' (Korean) - It's been described as "a state of mind. Of soul, really. A sadness. A sadness so deep no tears will come. And yet still there's hope." Its a feeling of unresolved resentment against injustices suffered, a sense of helplessness because of the overwhelming odds against one, a feeling of acute pain, and an obstinate urge to take revenge and to right the wrong—all those combined.

'Weltschmerz' (German) - the depression you feel when the world doesn't reflect what you think it should. It encapsulates a sense of grief at how the world keeps falling short of expectations. The pain caused by the inappropriateness and cruelty of the world and circumstances.